Tis the holiday season...

I have never been this stressed at the holidays before. But then I can't remember the last time I was single during the holidays. Do you think that has something to do with it???

Last night Tough Guy spent the night and was sooo sweet; even though I was really irritating most of the night, and he didn't do anything to deserve it. He was very patient with me and said all the right things; which further irritated me more. It drives me crazy when people say, "it's okay" when I'm in a bad mood because what I want is to have my feelings validated. I know he's a man and it's their nature to want to fix it.

Let me explain why I have been really bitchy lately. My ex, who is like Dr. Jekyll at this point came to my home over Thanksgiving weekend and deposited most everything I own in my condo. I gave him a key cause I thought we were on friendly terms where I could trust him. We had an agreement that I would get all of the things out of the house by the end of the year; this way he could continue to use things until then since he owns so little. INSTEAD he brings everything and dumps it in my place. I barely could open the door! And the shitter kicker on top of that is he chose to keep things of mine; not things he owned, not things he owned prior to us being married but things I owned long before I knew him. He kept an italian leather loveseat and chair and I am still discovering things that he STOLE from me. I am still living in chaos because everything I own will not fit in my condo; it's driving me crazy. I am affected by my external surroundings so when my space is chaotic it feels as if it carries over in to my life. I am slowly working on it and hopefully this weekend I won't have a washer sitting in my kitchen blocking my dishwasher!

So this chaos added to the stress I am feeling over the holidays has made me very bitchy unfriendly to be around. But Tough Guy has been extremely patient and he has wanted to talk about my stress. Now what man wants to do that? Isn't it typical behavior that men want to run and hide when we're in raging bitch mode? He says that I really haven't been that bad; but I feel like I have been a bitch on speed.

We talked a lot last night and I feel much better this morning and I just wanted to stay home cuddled up with him, especially since it's suppose to be sleeting/snowing all day today.

Today is a day of confusion...

So I've been officially single for a while now; but emotionally I've been single for a long time. Well I've met someone. I met him in October. There is no other word to describe him other than I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. He scares the shit out of me. I believe I have mentioned I am on the path of self discovery, right? On that path I have been attending church; and he attends the same church. Now I want you to know he is not a hypocritical Christian; he is strong, he has faith in God, he is a GOOD man. He loves in a capacity I have never experienced; he shakes me to the core. He makes my knees weak and he makes me question my faith, my belief system; and he helps me to grow.

Now with all of this being said he has his baggage too. He is coming from a 17 year marriage, one where he was primarily unhappy for the majority of it, one where he thought he was marrying someone else and then she changed. We've all been there at some point in our lives, haven't we? His baggage is particularly scary because he tells me he is falling in love with me. There are several issues with that:

1. How can he fall in love with ME? Remember I told you how amazing he is. Well, what can he possibly see in me that makes him step back and say; "this is her".
2. He is afraid terrified that I'll not be the woman he fell in love with if he lets himself go. 

What can I say to this? Yes, I will continue to be the same person. So easy to say... I'm a genuine person and not likely to change, but won't I change some? Isn't this life? I hope to become a better person, but there are moments when I'll slip and not be.

Today I asked him for "space", I hate that word! We all know what a negative connotation it is, and what it typically means to relationships. The thing is, I don't really want space; I just want answers!!! He is scared what this means; I am scared it'll provide him an opportunity to back away, and there are those out there who will say "if that happens it wasn't meant to be." But I don't believe this. I have never felt before that God led me to someone, I do know this with him; I've prayed about it. And I also know that even if God leads us in a certain direction he gives us the will to make choices and as an imperfect human I can make the wrong choice. The mere fact that I have prayed about it and asked for guidance is HUGE for me. Even in my lowest times in life I don't think I asked for guidance. I prayed for help; help through the issue and then promptly forgot once it was resolved, but this time I want guidance to overcome my fears and to know I am on the path that God has chosen for me.

HELP! 

Life it has changed...

Well, it's been a while hasn't it? And I've missed you. I've missed having this outlet to vent. A lot has changed over the past several months; for one, I left my husband and I didn't have an affair. I realize no one is reading this blog but it feels good for me to say as bad as it got and as much as I considered it; I DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR! 


I thought about it but I couldn't bring myself to come to that point. I knew in a moment of clarity it was best to leave the marriage before I did something I would regret.

Here we are...

I'm thinking of having an affair... I really want to be with someone, physically! It has been way too long...

So where did I leave off?

I left it hanging with have I gone crazy from lack of sex OR have I cheated? Well, I haven't done either. HOWEVER, I have had sex. My husband and I separated for several months and at the time agreed we would see other people; which I did, and then ended up having an awesome like eyes rolling in the back of your head night of sex with a good friend. Now before you judge me; we were separated and I hadn't had sex in a year and four months and this friend is damn sexy!

Anyway after being with someone that long and not being noticed it felt pretty wonderful to have someone notice me as a sexual woman. I mean as I said I'm not unattractive at 5'3", long auburn hair and 130 lbs. So for all you married, in a relationship or single women who can't get a man to notice you because you think you're fat or unattractive; well I doubt you are. Speaking from someone who has decent self esteem I am often stumped as to how I am often not noticed.

These are the kinds of things you can't tell most people because

1. they don't know how to respond
2. they look at me like I'm crazy (and then I have to wonder, am I?)

Am I nuts to remain in a marriage where not just my physical needs byt emotional needs aren't being met? Don't a lot of us do this? Ugh! I'm working on getting it right; but I gotta start with getting it straight in my head first. For those who will judge after reading this post, get over it. A lot led up to that night and I am not writing this to have people judge for my transgressions; this is my outlet as I come to terms with what is in my head and heart to determine if they're the same thing.

Okay, off to dinner now; pizza just arrived.

While he's away the mice will play...

So the hubby is out for the night; too bad, thank god! He took the dogs with him which means total solitude for me and I have spent the evening catching up online and creating this blog.

This blog is long overdue because I often have things go through my mind that I never share with my husband cause well' we're just not intimate. We're not intimate socially which is a real pain in the ass but emotionally we're even less so. So here I can rant & rave, spill my guts, and reminisce about the way life was and the way I am working on it to be in the future.

So let's just jump right in, remember you were warned... Here I am married not quite two years and my first bitch is that I have had sex once with my husband! ONCE, can you fucking believe that? and I initiated it. I'm not unattractive, and am a pretty sexual woman so at this point I am REALLY frustrated. So you're probably thinking "no way, what person would tolerate that" or perhaps you're wondering why I haven't cheated instead?

Well, more about this later... after I mull over it more...

Alive

Yes I have been MIA as someone recently pointed out, sorry about that. A quick summary and then I'll go into details later.

I have been off on a recent weekend adventure kayaking on the New River (pics to come later), I am moving (yep to a new city in NC), looking for a house to buy and trying to find a job.

Whew!

Check back for more details later this week, maybe even this weekend!

Wine, Mountains & Camping, Oh My!

So in keeping with the fun of all my mini vacations so far this summer; this past weekend myself, Lu and a group of new friends from Greenville Outdoor Adventure Club trekked to the NC mountains for some wine tastings, camping and hiking. The first morning we arrived I had to have coffee, thank God for a french press! I thought this was a cool photo when I was pouring my cup.

We had a GREAT weekend, the weather was gorgeous; mid-80's but low humidity and a wonderful mountain breeze wafted the smell of honeysuckle under our noses all weekend. Looking through the pictures I hope they capture some of the fun we had and the beauty of where we were.

The first vineyard we visited was Stoney Knoll; unfortunately I don't have pictures at that vineyard of us, someone else took most of them there. We did taste 8 different wines and most of us thought this place was a top favorite. The Coe's own it and they allowed us to watch them bottle the wine; which is all done by hand. This vineyard is a hobby for everyone in the family. Everyone down to the grandkids help with this process, they fill them, seal them, label 'em and ship them all by hand. The day we visted they had 900 bottles they were processing; again all by hand! Ouch! I did capture this shot of their vineyard standing outside. You really can't beat this view!

We then piled our somewhat tipsy happy selves into vehicles with DD's of course and headed to our next stop; Flint Hill Winery. The food here was delicious! The property was beautiful and had been restored from an old farm home which was in sad shape. The home was the owner's childhood home and he decided to keep the home in the family he would renovate and start a winery. You see this a lot in NC since tobacco farms are slowly diminishing in the state. While this winery had delicious food it was our least favorite for wines. I think it had something to do with while it's a family vineyard, the place was being run by a staff and the owners were nowhere to be found. It just didn't seem to have the same cozy feeling we experienced at the first stop. Plus you didn't get the history of the place and hear the stories. Isn't this what makes it fun? I mean of course we were there for the wine, but the atmosphere was lacking. However, we ate lunch out in their courtyard and afterwards I walked through the grass in my bare feet and laid underneath a rose bush while taking in the beauty around me. Now THAT can't be beat!

Our third stop was at the Divine Llama winery. Every one of us agreed that this vineyard was the best! I mean it can't be beat for hospitality, warmth, and the wines were delicious! The owners Mike and Tom have been best friends since college and opened this winery on May 1st, they were celebrating their one month anniversary this past weekend. And to add to their coolness was the fact that they really do have llamas. They must have had 20+ plus and as we walked around the farm enjoying the wine we enjoyed the company of their dog Luke and the beauty of the blue ridge mountains in the distance. We had such a wonderful talk learning about the history of their friendship and learning about their newly formed partnership. Here's a toast to them that their vineyard is successful for many years!

The last place we landed for the day was West Bend Vineyeards. We rolled in to the parking lot at 5:10; they close at 5:00, but I was willing to beg to get in. I have been wanting to tour this vineyard for three years; yes I did say 3 years. I discovered this vineyard while driving through the country one afternoon when Lu was at work. I was bored and thought; "let's go for a drive", as I often do when I want to reflect. That day when I drove up to the large wrought iron gates I knew I had to see what was behind them. I'm sort of a kid that way; you can't keep me out! :) I went several times afterwards while he was living in the area and each time they were closed. So since I had been waiting for three long years, okay a bit of a dramatization; I ran in like a crazy woman asking if we could come in even though they were closing. Now this was a big deal for me to ask cause I am one of those people who hate it when people come in near closing time and want me to accommodate them. BUT, the woman was barely gracious when she said yes; I think she would have re-thought this if she knew seven people would be piling in to taste wine after closing time. However, all but one bought wine so I think we made it worth their while. No pictures at this vineyard because they rushed us through; but the wine was good and if I had more time I would go back to learn the history; after all this is the oldest winery in NC.

After getting back from drinking a lot of wine we ran over (literally) this box turtle; he wasn’t hurt though and we set him free in the woods. He was a little shy for the camera but since this was the only wildlife we saw all weekend we took a picture, although Travis claimed there was a beaver by the road; I think it was the wine!

After spending a really, really great day drinking wine and buying (did I mention we bought 14 bottles?!?) we headed back to where we were camping (thanks Barry & Penny) and enjoyed our wares by a blazing fire; but not before we had to explain the "brown chicken Brown cow" joke to Mike. (think 70's porn)

What are the dirtiest animals on the farm? Brown Chicken, Brown Cow! Really if I had the music for this you would definitely get the joke!

Beach Weekend

So I have been having a lot of mini-adventures lately. That's the way I prefer it; instead of taking a bunch of time off I like to spend my weekends getting out and away to new places. Now my regular followers will know that since I don't have kids my dogs generally go with me (after all they are my babies). So several weeks ago myself, Lu, Rogue & Ridge piled into the SUV and went to Altantic Beach. What a gorgeous day! My dogs loved it and it was great temps and few people; just the way I like it. It was the first time Ridge had ever seen the ocean and Rogue loved romping in the surf with him!

And as I was laying on my beach towel soaking up some rays my pooches had glued their sandy wet bodies to my side and I couldn't resist snapping these cute photos! Is there any doubt that they ARE the cutest dogs in the world? Sorry Nola, your aunt K loves you too!







And lastly, we spent Memorial Day weekend in Michigan. Now, while not my favorite trip because my MIL is crazy (definitely will will tell you more about that later), my dogs had a blast! Can you tell how spoiled rotten they are? If this picture doesn't say it all!

PITA update

Okay so here's the latest on my pita update (and I mean PITA, not PETA). I like to affectionately refer to a few friends in my life (you know who you are) as pita; for those who don't know this term it means "pain in the ass". I use this term endearingly, I swear. These friends are people I care about but sometimes they require a little more upkeep maintenance than other friends.

So this one is about Koz, he knows he's a pita; and about how he made me feel crappy about myself a few weeks back. I won't go in to details but his reaction to a situation wasn't the best and it pissed me off. Needless to say I finally called him out about it after plotting revenge stewing about it for a few weeks. I sent him an email stating he was a "jerk"; I know harsh right? ANYWAY, he emailed me back after I had convinced myself I wasn't going to hear from him again saying how badly he felt and he even followed up with a phone call. So in my world all is forgiven, after all like I said before; his pita self inspired me to work diligently at the gym and I have lost 10 pounds!

But he's still a pita and not because he's high maintenance but just because he is. He's one of those few friends who really can say what's on their mind to me and yes sometimes I want to smack him it hurts but he always says it like it is. Everyone needs a friend like this. He knows he's a pita but I think he affectionately thinks I am too. :)

I love this Blog!

Seriously, if you haven't gotten a chance to read this blog, you MUST! She's great and is such a hilarious read. Her posts about RWP are the best and I am in complete agreeance with her. Now I hope none of this changes your views of me and my little blog but I think she's great and deserves accolades for her providing me days of entertainment. Thanks Veg!

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Gym, Gym, Gym

I am really proud of myself lately; I have been to the gym on a regulat basis practically every day since last Monday. In fact, I spent two hours last night at the gym between cardio and weight lifting. Now to some this may not be a great feat; but for a non-gym go'er this is a HUGE achievement, and even more amazing is that I have not hated it. I've LIKED it, in fact I've even looked forward to it each day, strange huh?

Well I'm glad for this change and am even more happy that I am getting fit again.

The journey begins...

Last night before I went to sleep I was psyched and very motivated to go to the gym. However, I woke up at midnight, again around 1:00 and then again some other time during the night. Needless to say around 3:00 I set my alarm clock for one hour later because I was exhausted and didn't make it to the gym. I spent yesterday at the beach and got a little too much sun. I didn't sleep well because I was aware all night of how uncomfortable I was due to the burn. I'm not too burned but enough so that my bra strap is rubbing and it feels a little like sandpaper.

However, my good news is that a friend (more of an acquaintance) is gonna be my gym buddy and more good news is she already belongs to the gym I go to. She has struggled with her weight loss and through her determination and dedication she has lost some weight and looks great. So since I didn't go this morning I'll be meeting her there this evening.

I have the determination now and am willing to try everything, including the dreaded gym because a "friend", a term I am using loosely today; made me feel really bad about myself this past weekend. I don't think he did it intentionally and I'm pretty sure he didn't recognize he was doing it; but still it happened and it was a "wow" moment for me. So in the end if it has a positive effect on my health then I'll look at it as a good thing. I'm also tagging this as WTF, because honestly I can't believe my friend made me feel this way; unintentional or not.

WTF!

Okay, so I'm sitting at work looking forward to a nice weekend and am happy that it's finally Friday. Lu calls me to tell me that he has just left the office of the principal of his school. They were gracious enough to let him know that they have cut his program; for those who don't know he teaches Agricultural Education in high school. So this means he doesn't have a job for the coming school year! WTF! I hate politics! I hate that he has busted his ass for a year and a half to grow that program, he has used a lot of personal time and money to see it develop in to what it is; only to have them say sorry we're cutting the program. IT'S JUST NOT IMPORTANT FOR OUR KIDS TO LEARN ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT & PRESERVING IT!!!!! If it wasn't for the fact that the state of NC is severely overbudget (as alot of states are) then this wouldn't be happening.

It's a crock that 160 teaching positions are being cut for next year in this county alone. 160!!! We tout how education is so important for our youth but let's cut the education budget!!! Right now I hate this state! I hate it for letting an amazing teacher go who has tons of passion for educating our youth!

New Look

So I have searched the internet over and have finally found a blog template I like best. I love the 3 column look and this was a perfect choice for me.  What'd ya think?

Memorable Weekend

This past weekend was a lot of fun. It started out with my husband going to prom. Yes you heard me correctly he went to prom; he even asked me to go; but there was no way I was heading out to spend my evening with all those high schoolers hormones in overdrive!

(Looking thrilled to head to prom!)

But on Saturday I played with friends at the Kayakalon; which unfortunately I don't have any pics here but you can check out my slideshow of the day. We had a great time, gorgeous weather and our teams placed 1st, 4th, 5th & 9th; so all four in the Top Ten!

Afterwards I rolled in to my fun job at GOPC and hung out with my peeps! lol It actually was a perfect day; even if I did have to spend some of it indoors, at least it was in the heat of the day. I played around with my new camera getting shots of everyone at the shop.

(Corey and Sadler heading out for the day. Lucky dogs!)

So on Sunday my husband and I visted some friends because they are going to buy some property and start an Eco-commune (I am fascinated by this idea). Anyway, they asked for Lu's opinion on the land and it was beautiful!

and my dogs had a great time playing in the marsh.

(Ridge cooling off in the muddy water!)

(Rogue appearing stealthy as she pounces over a log!)

So given the state of the dogs afterwards we had to go for a walk to dry them off. There was no way I was letting them in the back of Bob's Jeep looking the way they did.

My friend Spaghetti would have had a heart attack if she had seen how muddy they were. So you guessed it! Last night was bathtime at my place. But they had fun and that's what having a dog is for. :) We had a great weekend and it was such gorgeous weather here, in the 80's and sunny. Definitely a great weekend for being outside.

My wishes for you today...

Okay, so I got this as an email and did what the instructions said to do; which was to pass it on to 12 women friends. So I try not to forward stuff on like this but I liked it and thought it should be shared with the blog world instead of only the 12 women I could think of. Here you go...

'May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'

Long Weekend

Man I was so grateful to have a long weekend and was determined to have some fun and get some sleep. Finding myself somewhat single again means I am having a hard time adjusting to sleeping alone; by alone I mean just me and my two dogs. I often find myself going to bed closer to midnight; which this is late for someone who wants to be up between 6-6:30.

Okay, I digress; this post is all about my long weekend and the fun I had. Thursday night I stopped by the shop to drop off an Easter basket for Nola; she belongs to my friend Spaghetti and is her only child at this point, but don't tell Spaghetti she's a dog. :) So while at the shop we ran in to a friend and decided to go hiking on Friday morning, damn there went my morning of sleeping in. BUT, we had a great time; it was definitely worth not sleeping in for. The morning was a bit cool but after being on the trail for about an hour things warmed up and we had a blast. My dog Turbo loved pulling my friend G around on his leash all morning. Thank God for G; you saved my knee. After being pulled around by a 45 lbs dog I think it'd have been mush by the end of the 6 mile hike (Spaghetti & I both agree it was closer to 6 than the 5 miler G claims). For the awesome swamp pics and beach pics check out Spaghetti's photos, I didn't take my camera because I knew she'd take tons of pics. By Friday night I was wiped out and even more determined to sleep in on Saturday. Keep an eye out for Turbo's video debut anytime, he was hilarious digging in the wet sand and diving into the water.

Saturday came and again, no sleeping in cause I was determined to go to the farmers market and get my place in order after having new carpet put in. Saturday was all about getting stuff done but it was so gorgeous I figure if I had to be running errands I couldn't have picked a more gorgeous day. Besides by Saturday afternoon I came home, curled up on my couch and took a nap; which I never do. Naps just aren't my thing but the couch looked so inviting. I dined on some yummy cilantro lasagne that night cooked by Spaghetti; she hated it but I thought it was delicious!

Sunday came and yes I DID SLEEP IN! I didn't get up until 10:00 and just in time to get a text from my friend S to go to brunch and play Rock Band. How could I pass that up? And then I took my pups to the off leash dog park and they went spastic since it has finally dried up enough to no be a swamp. Good times, good times... were had by all.

So, all in all it was a great weekend. If only I could have one more day...

Bathtime

So it was bathtime this evening at my place! My two pups Rogue & Ridge had a ball romping around afterwards. I had a great time watching them play! Here's a few pics.

Ridge just wanted to roll around on the couch afterwards; so we added the blanket. :)

And my girl Rogue wanted to show me all of her toys, she loves toys & carrying them around.

And here they are as adorable as possible. So I'm a little biased but they really are the most adorable aussies in the world. :)

Makeover

So I need a blog makeover. I want something lively full of color and something that completely reflects my odd personality. Now I know I only have a few followers but does anyone have suggestions? I really love the look of Gin's bags on her blog and would love the funky fresh patterns; something like this in a blog would be perfect! Thoughts, suggestions?

Refusal

Okay, so in my typical self I refuse to let life circumstances get me down. Things are in turmoil right now but I refuse to let this depression get me down long term. Each day at a time, right?

Blogging

So it's been almost a month since I have posted. Wow! So much has gone on this past month that I can't believe it's been that long. I have stopped by and read my friends posts; but honestly I haven't had the energy to write. And in this blogger universe I don't know many of you personally but writing about the changes which have happened most recently just make them more real.

My husband and I separated. In fact I spent part of my weekend painting and moving a few personal belongings in to my new space. I haven't told but one person in my life about this because talking about it makes it real. And having it real makes it hurt even more. I should clarify that we're doing this in an attempt to salvage our marriage and believe me I want this more than anything. I love him so much.

I initiated the separation because within the marriage I don't feel like either of us are trying as hard as we should and I can't continue living like that. I feel so lost myself I'm not real sure my expectations of him are very fair at this point. I also feel both of us have stopped treating one another fairly and with respect; because we both harbor so much anger at one another and frustration in the situation.

Anyway, that's what I did this weekend and that is why I have been MIA on blogging. I just don't want to write about it because it's already something I constantly think about.

Tips for My Life...

These are tips I have picked up in my life; some I have heard from others, but here they have my own flair in them! Pick & choose which ones (if any) work for you.


1. Go to bed on time.
2. Get up on time so you can start your day unrushed.
3. Pray.
4. Simplify and unclutter your life.
5. Say no to projects that don't fit in to your schedule or ones that will compromise your mental health.
6. Allow extra time to get places and to get things done.
7. Delegate tasks to others.
8. Less IS more (many times one isn't enough, but often two is too many)
9. Take one day at a time.
10. Live within your budget, don't use credit for everyday purchases.
11. K.Y.M.S. (Keep Your Mouth Shut) This one tip can save you a lot of headache in the future.
12. Eat right.
13. Get organized so everything has its place.
14. Write down your thoughts and inspirations so you can recapture them on days when they're most needed.
15. Every day, find time to be alone.
16. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot.
17. Nip the small problems in the bud.
18. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all!
19. Develop a forgiving attitude (those around you are usually doing the best they can)
20. Laugh.
21. Laugh some more.
22. Park your ego.
23. Be kind to unkind people; I'm sure they need it more.
24. Talk less, listen more.
25. SLOW down.
26. Remind yourself you are not the general manager of the universe.
27. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is a simple, "help me."
28. Get enough rest. Questions about this? See #1.
29. Do something for the Kid in you everyday.
30. Lastly, every night before bed, think of one thing you are grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

Tips for My Life...

These are tips I have picked up in my life; some I have heard from others, but here they have my own flair in them! Pick & choose which ones (if any) work for you.


1. Go to bed on time.
2. Get up on time so you can start your day unrushed.
3. Pray.
4. Simplify and unclutter your life.
5. Say no to projects that don't fit in to your schedule or ones that will compromise your mental health.
6. Allow extra time to get places and to get things done.
7. Delegate tasks to others.
8. Less IS more (many times one isn't enough, but often two is too many)
9. Take one day at a time.
10. Live within your budget, don't use credit for everyday purchases.
11. K.Y.M.S. (Keep Your Mouth Shut) This one tip can save you a lot of headache in the future.
12. Eat right.
13. Get organized so everything has its place.
14. Write down your thoughts and inspirations so you can recapture them on days when they're most needed.
15. Every day, find time to be alone.
16. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot.
17. Nip the small problems in the bud.
18. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all!
19. Develop a forgiving attitude (those around you are usually doing the best they can)
20. Laugh.
21. Laugh some more.
22. Park your ego.
23. Be kind to unkind people; I'm sure they need it more.
24. Talk less, listen more.
25. SLOW down.
26. Remind yourself you are not the general manager of the universe.
27. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is a simple, "help me."
28. Get enough rest. Questions about this? See #1.
29. Do something for the Kid in you everyday.
30. Lastly, every night before bed, think of one thing you are grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

Good News, Good News....

I got the good news a couple of weeks ago letting me know I had been accepted to Australasian College of Health Sciences. This is a such a great school which offers several degree'd prgrams as well as a M.S. and most recently a B.S. in Alternative Medicine.

I have been diligently searching for a while for a school accredited by the US Dept. of Education. If you even begin to look into alternative healthcare you'll find a plethera of schools offering certificates and even "degrees"; however these aren't accredited by the US Dept. of Education. To me this is vitally important because when it comes to furthering your education or looking into healthcare many reputable facilities aren't goint to hire you with a degree from a non-accredited institution.

So after writing a paper for acceptance and a one hour interview with admissions I WAS ACCEPTED! And the best thing is I can do the majority of my education through distance learning which is convenient for my life; and believe me even though it's distance learning it's a very structured environment.

Anyway, YAY for me! I'm excited to start and am looking forward to the first day of classes!

Life Changes Revisited

A few of you have commented on my last post about "life changes" and I wanted to give you more details. I'm just gonna be open about the whole thing because well; no one really knows me except for maybe one or two people & they already know all about this. ;)

So my marriage is crumbling, and when I say crumbling I mean falling apart all around me and I have no idea how to fix it. I know everyone will have their ideas on what I or we can do to make it better; but a lot has been done already with no significant improvement; and I'm really writing to voice my confusion on the issues. I have spent so many hours crying about this, thinking about it, racking my brain on how to "fix" it, and so many more hours stressing about it.

See my husband suffers from depression, he's been diagnosed by two therapists and a physician for depression but he doesn't want to address it. I have spent the last year and a half of ups and downs, begging him to take the medication he's been prescribed and to see a therapist for more than 3-4 times before stopping. Instead what has happened is he'll fill a relatively strong dose of meds, take it until it's gone and then decide he no longer needs it; as well as he'll go to a therapist once or twice and then not go again for 2-3 months (and that is usually after a fight begging him to go again). These issues have taken such a toll on our marriage I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tension awaiting the other shoe to drop where I'll inevitably have to "fix" it, because that is the role I have assumed and while some think it's voluntarily believe me sometimes I would like to be the one taken care of. Being like this is affecting so many other areas in my life. I have forgotten how to experience the simple joy of things in life.

I handle most of the marital responsibilities such as finances, bills, and household management. Now I know some may think; "well so do I"; but I do this out of necessity because if I don't the accounts will be overdrawn hundreds of dollars and the utilities will be turned off. Again I know I am a strong, independent woman; and those who know me will agree wholeheartedly with this; but SOMETIMES I want the comfort of knowing I can rely on my husband to handle these things. We have tried him handling this stuff and inevitably I'll come home to the lights turned off & the car insurance lapsing; all bad things of course. I am by no means perfect in all of this, but it's hard to keep everything together for someone else, as well as a marriage and keep your own life afloat for this long of a period of time.

I just wanna cry because I am running out of energy to keep my marriage together, keep my mental state healthy, and handle everything else. There is so much more I could write about this issue but I could be here for hours writing it...

Life Changes...

I am going to share something with you because I need this outlet... I'm sure each of you has been faced with big decisions in your life. When it comes to making those decisions how do you know you're making the right one? Should your decision be based solely on your happiness, the best decision for you right now, or the best decision for your future? There are so many ways one can approach making a life decision it makes me wonder how do you know you're making the best one?

Any ideas, thoughts?

Snow! Snow! Snow!

I am SO excited! It's snowing here this afternoon and I left the office early and spent some time outside with my doggies. Here's a little clip of the fun we had; I'll write more about it later but I am headed back out to play. For all you northerners we don't get snow like this here in Eastern, North Carolina!

Tuesday Tribute

After reading Jay's Halftime Lessons; I really wanted to participate in Tuesday's Tribute. Mine is honoring the woman in my life who has seen me through everything. She has cheered me on when medical and law enforcement professionals; who had decided at my age of 12, I was going to end up a criminal if I didn't change, she was the champion who realized my potential when even I didn't see it myself, she has lifted me up in some very dark times when I was certain there was no light in the future. I can only hope I have a fraction of the character this woman possesses.

When I was twelve my parents welcomed me in to their home as their daughter. I lived all my young years in foster care, shifting from one "family" to the next; never experiencing the feeling of belonging. Today I am 35 and I still have never forgotten the words my mother said to me the first night I was home. I was awakened in the middle of the night from a nightmare and I remember being terrified; she held me and whispered; "you are home and no matter what happens we are never going to let you go. This is where you belong."

Believe me, I spent the next 5-6 years testing her patience and pushing her to limits I'm sure she never knew existed until she met me. I was a strong child, she was a stronger woman. She took me to counseling and heard all the words from professionals when they said; "she's highly intelligent but statistics say that she'll end up preganant and on welfare." She picked me up from the police department when I ran away from home, just so I could show her how independent I was! She wiped my tears when I felt the world closing in around me; she also told me to suck it up when I was trying out for the Teenage Drama Queen.

Everything I am today, a successful woman personally and professionally, all my achievements are a tribute to her. When society was ready to give up on me as a lost cause, she championed me to be better and do better!

I hope when I grow up I'm just like her.

Manic Monday

So on my Monday Ready I vow this week will not be as stressful as last week. Especially since most of my stress last week was my own doing; worrying about my husbands interview & the results.

Isn't it crazy the amount of stress we introduce in our own lives because we fret and worry about things? I don't typically make New year's resolutions because I never keep them and also because I am always trying to grow as a person. The people and situations around me are always teaching me, shaping me, and of course showing me my mistakes. Last week showed me yet again that I need to learn to not stress over the little things; MUCH easier said than done.

So this week, my focus will be "don't stress over the things which are beyond my control." I'm gonna try. I'll let you know next week how I think I did; send me those positive vibes cause this one is gonna be hard!

Peeves

So, those who know me know my two biggest pet peeves. Tardiness and people who don't do what they say they're going to. I'm not sure which one bothers me more, but right now people who don't do what they say they're going to is bothering me worse.

For example, (you knew there was an example coming, didn't you?) my husband had his second interview LAST Friday & was told; "we'll advise all the candidates mid-week of our decision." Has he heard anything? No, nada, nothing, zip! Does this mean he didn't get the job? Possibly; but that is not the point. Don't set the level of expectation and not follow through. It really bothers me when people do this.

This is a big deal to me in this case because my husband is not one to ask questions in an interview. So this time he asks and they do not follow through with that they say they're going to do. Now I know there could be a million reasons as to why they haven't responded yet; such as they haven't decided, he's not the one, etc. But it's still rude & it still bugs me!!!

Blogging

Are you blogging too much if you're dreaming about blogging?

Hmm... The reason I ask is because last night I had such a fitful night of sleeping and I distinctly remember dreaming about blogging. It was so realistic that I could have been blogging in my sleep. But thankfully when I awoke this morning and logged on there was not some unusual (any more than normal) ramblings.

I think I had so much going on in my mind last night before falling asleep that I just couldn't turn my brain off. The lesson to this is, meditate and clear my mind before falling asleep; of course easier said than done most nights.

Argh!

So my husband has interviewed for this GREAT job a few hours from us and the anticipation of not knowing whether he got it is killing me! I mean really killing me. This is such an awesome career opportunity for him and a great chance for us to move back to the city. He is SO calm, doesn't act as if he's on edge at all. Me on the other hand have to sit on my hands to prevent myself from chewing my fingers down to nubs. I would give anything to have his calm demeanor. If we don't hear anything by tomorrow I may need a sedative!

Chewy Update

Okay, as promised here are pics of Chewy. Despite the ten staples he is sooooo cute!

Now this one is at Christmas, he just posed so beautifully for the camera.

This was taken tonight, if you look closely you can see the staples.

Here's a close up, you can really see the staples in this one!

My vet says he'll be okay and in about 10 days the staples can come out. I hope it doesn't leave too bad of a scar. :(

Poor Chewy....

Last night was a little traumatic for me since my little puppy, Chewy was attacked. He had to get about 10 staples on his beautiful face. Chewy is a four month old australian shepherd puppy, and he is sooooo sweet.

He never even whined after the initial attack and was very well behaved at the vet. Can you believe it? They, of course; loved him! My poor, poor puppy. He was so pitiful when he got home, all he did was curl up and go straight to sleep with me. I'll have to attach some pics later, but they're scary! (at least to me)

Quickly

Okay, so I am stealing just a few short moments to share this print. I love it! Something about it draws me in. You need to check out this artist, she is talented and does a great job of taking the simple things and making them in to beautiful paintings or photographs. I love her site, art & books!