Life Changes Revisited

A few of you have commented on my last post about "life changes" and I wanted to give you more details. I'm just gonna be open about the whole thing because well; no one really knows me except for maybe one or two people & they already know all about this. ;)

So my marriage is crumbling, and when I say crumbling I mean falling apart all around me and I have no idea how to fix it. I know everyone will have their ideas on what I or we can do to make it better; but a lot has been done already with no significant improvement; and I'm really writing to voice my confusion on the issues. I have spent so many hours crying about this, thinking about it, racking my brain on how to "fix" it, and so many more hours stressing about it.

See my husband suffers from depression, he's been diagnosed by two therapists and a physician for depression but he doesn't want to address it. I have spent the last year and a half of ups and downs, begging him to take the medication he's been prescribed and to see a therapist for more than 3-4 times before stopping. Instead what has happened is he'll fill a relatively strong dose of meds, take it until it's gone and then decide he no longer needs it; as well as he'll go to a therapist once or twice and then not go again for 2-3 months (and that is usually after a fight begging him to go again). These issues have taken such a toll on our marriage I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tension awaiting the other shoe to drop where I'll inevitably have to "fix" it, because that is the role I have assumed and while some think it's voluntarily believe me sometimes I would like to be the one taken care of. Being like this is affecting so many other areas in my life. I have forgotten how to experience the simple joy of things in life.

I handle most of the marital responsibilities such as finances, bills, and household management. Now I know some may think; "well so do I"; but I do this out of necessity because if I don't the accounts will be overdrawn hundreds of dollars and the utilities will be turned off. Again I know I am a strong, independent woman; and those who know me will agree wholeheartedly with this; but SOMETIMES I want the comfort of knowing I can rely on my husband to handle these things. We have tried him handling this stuff and inevitably I'll come home to the lights turned off & the car insurance lapsing; all bad things of course. I am by no means perfect in all of this, but it's hard to keep everything together for someone else, as well as a marriage and keep your own life afloat for this long of a period of time.

I just wanna cry because I am running out of energy to keep my marriage together, keep my mental state healthy, and handle everything else. There is so much more I could write about this issue but I could be here for hours writing it...