Becoming Me...

I seem to have this idea in my head that I'm ready for a relationship and then I have this feeling of anxiety that seems to say I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I think I’ve forgotten that in between dating and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”; which I know how lucky I am that Tough Guy is such a wonderful boyfriend. I suppose it has something to do with my age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and if I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so should I avoid it all together? 

When Tough Guy & I are out with friends, or even the general public; people "assume" we're either married or headed that way. Isn't this thinking presumptuous on their parts? I asked his thoughts recently about this and he agreed that yes it was presumptuous, but that he chose to ignore it. For whatever reason I can't ignore it as easily. When this happens it's a two-part feeling for me; on one hand I'm thrilled that people see how deeply we care for one another BUT on the other hand it gives me heart palpitations and gives me an instant feeling of anxiety. I think the anxiety is due to me wondering how he feels about it when others bring it up, in addition to my own sense of not being ready.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want marriage right now, as I feel it could distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…

Crap.

Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that I am with the right right man and he adds to my life and doesn't distract but encourages me for said goals and priorities.

So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my "having a boyfriend" status while being open to the possibility that marriage may not the inevitable conclusion to our relationship but that it could be and if so it will get here in its own time. Trouble is to not lead it in that direction before being ready...

When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?

Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a thirty-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term committment? Is it possible? Perhaps I'm learning to enjoy the ride...

Am I Serving Myself Well?

Every action we take serves us in some way: everything we say yes, no or maybe to serves something in us – be it something we want or something we fear.

It’s important to understand people won’t change behaviors that cause pain unless they recognize what the current behavior serves and what change would serve. Avoidance of pain is rarely a reason to change a behavior. (Though this is not logical, it’s true. People are more comfortable with pain they know over pain they don’t; and all change brings pain in some form.)

I find this a useful tool in all my dealings. And when I find myself engaging in behavior that doesn’t ring true with my true self, I have to really stop and ask, “how does this serve?”

2009 was a really rough year for me, on every level. (Something I’m sure many of you can identify with.) Financially, and personally, I felt challenged, pushed and prodded in a million different directions and rarely did they feel good. 2009 was a year of change and it was painful in the process.

During the latter weeks of 2009, I spent a lot of time thinking and sorting through how many of my actions were serving me. It’s not a pleasant time to be with yourself and a pile of questionable choices. At times it was like a prison, and I was in solitary confinement – by choice.

I spent a lot of time being brutally honest with myself. (Actions can serve both good and bad impulses inside us. It’s important to recognize which are in play and decide on change to move things towards the positive.)

I recognized that there was a fair amount of drama in my personal life (a problem I knew how to prevent and didn’t). I recognized too what that was serving and, let’s just say, it wasn’t a good thing. I came to terms with the fact that some painful things that had happened during the year could have been avoided if I’d been willing to stick to my guns and own my own happiness. And that rather then accepting that, when things came painfully, wickedly and horrendously crashing down, I responded by serving the pain – rather then the true happiness I should have served in the first place.

I did things that, in retrospect, I regret. I failed myself and others, personally and professionally, and I feel pretty awful about it. I hurt some people, disappointed a couple others, and managed to mislead some folks about what I really wanted. I didn’t live up to my own expectations for myself, let alone anyone else’s.

I need to work pretty hard to rectify this. Some things will be dealt with by owning up to my mistakes, other’s by making amends, and some can only be dealt with in time and showing that my behaviors have changed.

I feel better already.

I am being true to myself and my long term dreams and the relationships I cherish the most. I’ve chosen to take the pain I feel over my mistakes, the regrets I’m going to have to live with, and use them to serve me in a new way – to prevent such mistakes in the future by making better choices going forward.

By examining my choices I am more likely to keep in line with my real desires, and be less distracted by short term impulses or short lived gratification. More often my answer is “by moving you toward your goals” or “respecting your own needs and health” in place of the old negative answers.

How do your actions serve you? Are you being true to yourself and the positive things you want in life or are you feeding negative feelings, impulses and old hurts? Are you brave enought to ask yourself about your work, your relationships, your new years resolutions, “how does this serve me?” and dare to be honest with yourself?

Tis the holiday season...

I have never been this stressed at the holidays before. But then I can't remember the last time I was single during the holidays. Do you think that has something to do with it???

Last night Tough Guy spent the night and was sooo sweet; even though I was really irritating most of the night, and he didn't do anything to deserve it. He was very patient with me and said all the right things; which further irritated me more. It drives me crazy when people say, "it's okay" when I'm in a bad mood because what I want is to have my feelings validated. I know he's a man and it's their nature to want to fix it.

Let me explain why I have been really bitchy lately. My ex, who is like Dr. Jekyll at this point came to my home over Thanksgiving weekend and deposited most everything I own in my condo. I gave him a key cause I thought we were on friendly terms where I could trust him. We had an agreement that I would get all of the things out of the house by the end of the year; this way he could continue to use things until then since he owns so little. INSTEAD he brings everything and dumps it in my place. I barely could open the door! And the shitter kicker on top of that is he chose to keep things of mine; not things he owned, not things he owned prior to us being married but things I owned long before I knew him. He kept an italian leather loveseat and chair and I am still discovering things that he STOLE from me. I am still living in chaos because everything I own will not fit in my condo; it's driving me crazy. I am affected by my external surroundings so when my space is chaotic it feels as if it carries over in to my life. I am slowly working on it and hopefully this weekend I won't have a washer sitting in my kitchen blocking my dishwasher!

So this chaos added to the stress I am feeling over the holidays has made me very bitchy unfriendly to be around. But Tough Guy has been extremely patient and he has wanted to talk about my stress. Now what man wants to do that? Isn't it typical behavior that men want to run and hide when we're in raging bitch mode? He says that I really haven't been that bad; but I feel like I have been a bitch on speed.

We talked a lot last night and I feel much better this morning and I just wanted to stay home cuddled up with him, especially since it's suppose to be sleeting/snowing all day today.

Today is a day of confusion...

So I've been officially single for a while now; but emotionally I've been single for a long time. Well I've met someone. I met him in October. There is no other word to describe him other than I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. He scares the shit out of me. I believe I have mentioned I am on the path of self discovery, right? On that path I have been attending church; and he attends the same church. Now I want you to know he is not a hypocritical Christian; he is strong, he has faith in God, he is a GOOD man. He loves in a capacity I have never experienced; he shakes me to the core. He makes my knees weak and he makes me question my faith, my belief system; and he helps me to grow.

Now with all of this being said he has his baggage too. He is coming from a 17 year marriage, one where he was primarily unhappy for the majority of it, one where he thought he was marrying someone else and then she changed. We've all been there at some point in our lives, haven't we? His baggage is particularly scary because he tells me he is falling in love with me. There are several issues with that:

1. How can he fall in love with ME? Remember I told you how amazing he is. Well, what can he possibly see in me that makes him step back and say; "this is her".
2. He is afraid terrified that I'll not be the woman he fell in love with if he lets himself go. 

What can I say to this? Yes, I will continue to be the same person. So easy to say... I'm a genuine person and not likely to change, but won't I change some? Isn't this life? I hope to become a better person, but there are moments when I'll slip and not be.

Today I asked him for "space", I hate that word! We all know what a negative connotation it is, and what it typically means to relationships. The thing is, I don't really want space; I just want answers!!! He is scared what this means; I am scared it'll provide him an opportunity to back away, and there are those out there who will say "if that happens it wasn't meant to be." But I don't believe this. I have never felt before that God led me to someone, I do know this with him; I've prayed about it. And I also know that even if God leads us in a certain direction he gives us the will to make choices and as an imperfect human I can make the wrong choice. The mere fact that I have prayed about it and asked for guidance is HUGE for me. Even in my lowest times in life I don't think I asked for guidance. I prayed for help; help through the issue and then promptly forgot once it was resolved, but this time I want guidance to overcome my fears and to know I am on the path that God has chosen for me.

HELP!