Friendship: Iron Sharpens Iron

friend.ship

'fren(d)SHip/

Noun

Urban Dictionary: True Friend

A true friend is someone who has touched your heart and will stay there. Someone you care for, who cares for you. Someone you can do the stupidest things around and always be forgiven. Someone you'll instantly remember in ten years because they are in your heart and not just your mind. They have the ability to change you, even if they don't. They will be etched in your memories forever.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to friendship, but especially friendships that evolve from church and how they impact us and our walk. We talk a lot about relationships in church, but do we talk about friendship? Think about some of your best memories, I bet they involve friends. Your worst times are made better by friends, and your best times aren’t as wonderful without sharing it with friends.

Here’s what I’ve learned from personal experience; I bet your happiness with your church is based on two very important things. If you’re really happy within your church I’m sure you have an excellent leader who is providing you quality teaching and you have quality friends within your church. Yes, there are other important things that make you happy with your church, but in my experience these two things are what matters most.

So what happens when church friend’s behaviors change because you are changing? Perhaps God is calling you in another direction, not calling you to leave your church but directing your talents to be used in another capacity? How does that affect church relationships & friendships? In my life, I’ve noticed differences in friendships since I’ve dedicated my talents to ministry outside my church. At times it’s come in the form of complete disinterest when I share a story I find inspiring, but it’s also come in the form of rejection.

I never noticed before now that some members of my church are exclusive and I am no longer a part of that exclusivity. They do not want to hear about my new path, they have stopped calling, they don’t look at me the same, and in many ways pretend I don’t exist; they are disassociating themselves. 

I’ve found on particularly hard days when I struggle with this that I feel like an outcast. I’ve asked God to bridge the gap between my path and my church friends. I know that suffering for our faith comes with continued growth. I pray my discouragement turns to encouragement.

I can’t begin to understand the rejection, but I can pray for strength; I will pray for guidance. A wise friend pointed out that in these circumstances often church friends think that by branching out, broadening your path, reaching others outside your church walls for God that perhaps you are being called away from your church and that can seem threatening, especially to a small church.   

God is teaching me every day through the blessings He gives me and the trials I suffer, whether they are self-made or brought on by change; there is a lesson. In this lesson I’m learning I will not be the kind of friend who is a sponge, one who avoids and does or says nothing, but also contributes nothing to the friendship. I will not be a sword, the kind of friend who cuts to the quick but also destroys the friendship in the process. I strive to be a stone; the kind of friend that upon which others can be sharpened, to be made better and more mature. A stone makes a faithful friend which is much better than a sponge or a sword.

Losing friends doesn’t mean forever. Differences challenge us, but if we walk with God then the challenge strengthens us and the challenge is a good one. It’s during tough times that we discover what we’re made of, especially when we endure them by remaining respectful and kind to others. 

Let me say, it doesn’t feel good to lose friends or have a friendship weaken. It feels like persecution, but it is testing my character, endurance and my sincere attempt to live by faith. I know evil will do all it can to work through my situation and will use the people in my life to cause me doubt and to convince me to abandon my path. By understanding that sometimes I have to lose life as I have known it, I will embrace the totality of the path God has brought me to, the one with open doors and miracles waiting to happen. I prayerfully need to stay open to the change God wants for me.

I will be a stone.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17)

To Be or Not to Be? Marriage is the Question?

What do I look for in a person I'm marrying? “You just know,” is probably the most unhelpful answer of all time and in my opinion a very bad way to base a decision such as marriage on. But a lot of people would say this how they knew they wanted to marry. I guess the majority of the population are very intuitive decision makers. But for me, although I don’t have all the answers, there are some factors I have pondered since I am recently engaged. This is not an exhaustive list, more like musings or ramblings if you will, and I think these points can apply to either gender.

In this world I think there is a myth floating around our individualistic and idealistic society. A myth that claims that marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually charged, accept-me-as-I-am and don't ask me to change, The Notebook-Sweet Home Alabama-Titanic-esque, soul mate.”

Don’t believe me? Flip to your movie channel and look at the message Hollywood communicates; look at the evidence of the media pointing to shorter and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds both men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate. They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere. Really? Really? Are we really that stupid hopeless?

Here's a possible solution I think you can live with. Here's what you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the wrong person. Again, these are ramblings from a crazy, soon to be wed, wine drinking optimist. Try it and see what happens:

1. Every time your mate falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. Right? Right? If they really loved you, they would have thought before they acted. If they were your soul mate they wouldn't have made such a heinous error. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage that'll carry over with each new partner. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right? Of COURSE they will. 
2. Avoid it all. Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, and be sure not to let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so over rated. No strings attached. Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad case” throw away the key where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.” Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.

OR, try this on for size!

Whether you buy the biblical view of marriage or not, realize that love takes hard work. And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry your “soul mate.” Because there are no 100% “right people, especially the person writing this advice.” Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. That’s why I like the biblical view of marriage. The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the biblical image of marriage provides something so much more beautifully realistic.

It paints a portrait of two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. It’s two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have yet to reach this goal. Also knowing full well that God put that person in their path to help one another become the person God wants them to be.

God’s view of marriage is one that commitment is the key. Not chemistry. In fact, commitment is chemistry. There is no greater proof of love than the willingness to commit your life to and for someone else. Just ask Jesus. 

But commitment is so out-of-style today in our “me, me, me-first” world. It’s old, boring news. Stifling. Oppressive. Obsolete. This is why marriages are happening less and lasting less. Might as well retire the institution to a museum. It’s a goner. The only solution to marriage is to avoid it. Many people avoid serious commitment all together because the prospect of pain is too great. They probably won’t say this because that means admitting they have issues up front. But that’s the truth hidden behind their mask. Let's face it, that's why I have avoided commitment in the past.

Commitment allows someone into your life in an up close and personal way. And we all I know we I have issues. So the prospect of someone seeing these issues, and then rejecting you me, is horrifying. “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they expect me to change and I can’t?” “What if they find out that I’m the wrong person?” “And what if that leads to divorce?” Ouch!

C.S. Lewis wrote something of this:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Am I writing this about you or myself? In all writing there's a touch of the author within, your bruised toes are also mine.

The BIG 4-0!

Yesterday was the BIG 4-0 as some people call it. Did I wake up feeling differently? Not really. In fact, it was a day just like the one before with the exception of all the wonderful birthday wishes, time with friends, the flowers, and cards. :)  Thank you to all those who helped make the BIG 4-0 memorable. 

I did spend some time reflecting yesterday and today on what have I learned in 40 years, some lessons I've learned by personal experience and some by observing others. I pass this list on with the simple hope it teaches you something.

1. Friends come and go. When I was younger I was okay with this, as I get older I treasure each friend with the fierceness of a mountain lion. 
2. I wish I had grown up with a family, I think maybe the lessons I now know would have come much sooner in life and some of my mistakes wouldn't have been so damaging to myself and others. 
3. It's sick to want to be be sick. Be happy to be healthy, and sometimes you have to 'chin up' when you're sick, there's something to be said for sucking it up. Thank you mom for teaching me this. 
4. It's a choice to look for the good in others. It's easier to see bad, to make it the focus, but I choose to look for the good. Sometimes, I must look deeper into people and see their true spirit, what drives them, and who they are, rather than just looking at the outside person. I have made many misjudgments simply because I was too lazy, too blind, or did not care enough to find the truth, or look into another's heart. 
5. It's a bigger blessing to BE the blessing than to receive it. So the more I give to others, the more rewarding my life is. Sometimes all I have to give is my time, and I've realized sometimes this is all someone wants. 
6. Keeping my balance in what I give is important because I can't give what I don't have. 
7. Forgiving others is way more freeing for me, because holding on to what others have done to me only hurts me. 
8. Praying for others to change rarely works, I've found that change has often come in my life when I've asked for God to help me instead of changing others. 
9. Saying 'I'm sorry' to someone is not enough. Specifically apologizing by saying 'I'm sorry for...' validates what the other person feels, and this helps mends hurts whether real or imagined; imagined hurts are real for someone else. 
10. Every person is leading someone somewhere. I have an impact on someone's life so where am I leading that person right now? 
11. Saying hard things to the people I love in my life is never easy, but it is NECESSARY and it always pays off. Even if the person I am saying it to doesn't 'get it' I am no longer holding on to feelings I need to let go. 
12. Following what God wants for me isn't always easy but it's never wrong. 
13. Getting in shape is important to me. I'll never be the size 4 I once was, where I can eat anything and not gain a pound, so relying on discipline for the next 30 years needs to be a priority to keep me where I want to be. 
14. I can't be all things to everyone in my life, I will kill myself trying so instead I choose to try and please Christ in all things. 
15. Everything I have can be used to love others, my time, my hobbies, my job, and my material possessions. After all, God gave me these things and all of it belongs to Him so why not allow it to be used by Him to show love to others. 
16. Praying with someone is invaluable, whether I do this in person or over the phone, I am blessed every time. 
17. It is important for me to remain open to hearing the truth from everyone. Even if I haven't given that person permission to tell me, they usually have something really valuable for me to hear. 
18. Taking ownership of my failures builds a foundation for my future. I can't regret what has happened in my life, it can't be unchanged, undone or forgotten but I can move on with grace. 
19. God loves me because of who He is, not because of something I did or didn't do. 
20. Taking deep breaths calms my mind and praying soothes my spirit. For me praying is my act of talking with God and meditation is the act of listening to what He has to say. 
21. My life isn't very long. It's what's happening right now as I write these words, as I draw my breath, it's the here and now and it doesn't last forever. 
22. I need to fight for what God says is right. 
23. My actions speak the truth. I can say all the right words, but in the end, it's my actions that will say everything. 
24. There will be sadness in my life journey, but I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other because happiness is right around the bend. 
25. Self awareness of my choices will free me from negative, reactive behaviors. I choose to never stop learning and growing. 
26. I will never seek my self-worth at the expense of someone else's. Devaluing someone else will only prompt them to treat me the same. 
27. Praying in the morning gives me a productive day. 
28. Giving thanks at night gives me a peaceful night's rest. 
29. My pets give me great JOY, they are as much my family as the people in my life. Puppy kisses and kitten snuggles really make me smile. 
30. I have enough. More is not better. 
31. I want my legacy to be to add more value in the world than the resources I'm using up. 
32. Being honest in all situations is sometimes by far my hardest choice, but it's the best choice for the rest of my life. 
33. I hate uncertainty. This isn't a cliche, it's the truth. Life is uncertain, tomorrow is not promised, and because of this my choices need to be pleasing to God. But still, I hate uncertainty. 
34. Taking time doing nothing is important for my growth. During this time is when I reflect on choices I have made and if I'm always busy I miss lessons I need to learn. 
35. Coffee time with my girlfriends is therapeutic and I will work hard at maintaining those relationships. 
36. No matter how much I swore when I was younger that I wouldn't become like my mother, in many ways I am. I AM VERY PROUD OF THAT. There is no greater woman than her, no one I'd rather be like and I hope as the years come I'll continue to grow into myself with some of her best qualities. 
37. I need to let anger go. My anger is a cover up for my fear. I have fears because I haven't turned them over to God, I am a work in progress. 
38. Not everything is about me. When people in my life do and say hurtful things I need to remember it's not always about me. Sometimes it's about something they're not dealing with. 
39. I need to make daily deposits to the life of my dreams because perseverance pays off. When I take an active involvement in my own life by making decisions and taking action towards my goals I feel accomplished. 
40. I must remain passionate about what I do, this is a must, and if I'm not passionate about it then it's not what I need to do. I need to be sure that it's something in me, in my heart and that I love doing.

And 1 to grow on:

1. Carpe' Diem. I will enjoy life now. I will enjoy the moments more, I will relish the good times and absorb the not so good times because God's got this.

So look out 50, because if the first 40 has taught me this much; I can't wait to see what the next 10 teaches me.

Hang Tight... If you're hanging at all!

I'd love to be coy and wonder out loud if there's anyone even reading this anymore, but I'm not too good at faking that kind of thing. My stat tracker shows me plain as day you're all out there still, reading regularly (or reading, period), though what or why, I'm not sure, since I'm basically an absent blogger these days. But, you're there, and I know it, so why pretend?

I've got this angsty, confessional post coming up that goes into a lot of detail about my thoughts lately, but since it's not yet finished and I'm feeling the need to write, that'll have to wait a little more so I can whine a bit about how freaking stressed I've been for weeks now.

It's the usual - work, boyfriend and life, all of which are slamming me with projects (work), frustration (boyfriend) and lack of fun (life in general). It's not so much that blogging is overwhelming, but rather, time consuming. I get home and the last thing I want to do is be on the computer. I think I'm about ready to accept that there won't be any real down, quiet time that would allow me the energy and presence of mind to write for a good while, because just when I think, oh, in two weeks XXX and XXX will be over and done with and then I can get back to some of the things I want to do, something new comes up and there goes that. I'm back to exhausted and being short on time.

The thing is, beyond the exhaustion and myriad time-consuming responsibilities and the pretty busy schedule I maintain, I really feel a bit over-saturated with technology and just don't want to deal with it when I do have down time. By the time I'm home from work, I'm sick of the computer. I don't get full use of my Droid because while I love how handy it is, I've come to view these *smart* phones are real hindrances to having real, enjoyable engagement with real, live human beings (more on that on another day, as I've got a lot of phone rage I'd love to vent about, especially when it interferes in my quality time with TG).

There's some other stuff, some other reasons why it's felt like a real challenge to write here for some time. You'll have to wait for the angsty post for that. Today, it's just a small peek into what's been going on lately, and an effort (small, to be sure) on my end to stay in touch. I struggle a lot with the notion of feeling obligated to an audience, of *having to* write for anyone but myself, and especially with addressing said audience. But at the same time, isn't that what a blogger wants for her blog, readers? So how can I then ignore you or pretend you're not there, when I know you are, and I love you for it?

Sheesh, even that made my brain hurt. This exhaustion is exhausting. Please light a candle that I survive the next couple of weeks, because seriously, I do have a lot on my mind.

Over and out for now.

Becoming Me...

I seem to have this idea in my head that I'm ready for a relationship and then I have this feeling of anxiety that seems to say I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I think I’ve forgotten that in between dating and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”; which I know how lucky I am that Tough Guy is such a wonderful boyfriend. I suppose it has something to do with my age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and if I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so should I avoid it all together? 

When Tough Guy & I are out with friends, or even the general public; people "assume" we're either married or headed that way. Isn't this thinking presumptuous on their parts? I asked his thoughts recently about this and he agreed that yes it was presumptuous, but that he chose to ignore it. For whatever reason I can't ignore it as easily. When this happens it's a two-part feeling for me; on one hand I'm thrilled that people see how deeply we care for one another BUT on the other hand it gives me heart palpitations and gives me an instant feeling of anxiety. I think the anxiety is due to me wondering how he feels about it when others bring it up, in addition to my own sense of not being ready.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want marriage right now, as I feel it could distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…

Crap.

Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that I am with the right right man and he adds to my life and doesn't distract but encourages me for said goals and priorities.

So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my "having a boyfriend" status while being open to the possibility that marriage may not the inevitable conclusion to our relationship but that it could be and if so it will get here in its own time. Trouble is to not lead it in that direction before being ready...

When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?

Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a thirty-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term committment? Is it possible? Perhaps I'm learning to enjoy the ride...