I seem to have this idea in my head that I'm ready for a relationship and then I have this feeling of anxiety that seems to say I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I think I’ve forgotten that in between dating and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”; which I know how lucky I am that Tough Guy is such a wonderful boyfriend. I suppose it has something to do with my age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and if I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so should I avoid it all together?
When Tough Guy & I are out with friends, or even the general public; people "assume" we're either married or headed that way. Isn't this thinking presumptuous on their parts? I asked his thoughts recently about this and he agreed that yes it was presumptuous, but that he chose to ignore it. For whatever reason I can't ignore it as easily. When this happens it's a two-part feeling for me; on one hand I'm thrilled that people see how deeply we care for one another BUT on the other hand it gives me heart palpitations and gives me an instant feeling of anxiety. I think the anxiety is due to me wondering how he feels about it when others bring it up, in addition to my own sense of not being ready.
Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want marriage right now, as I feel it could distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…
Crap.
Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that I am with the right right man and he adds to my life and doesn't distract but encourages me for said goals and priorities.
So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my "having a boyfriend" status while being open to the possibility that marriage may not the inevitable conclusion to our relationship but that it could be and if so it will get here in its own time. Trouble is to not lead it in that direction before being ready...
When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?
Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a thirty-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term committment? Is it possible? Perhaps I'm learning to enjoy the ride...
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