To Be or Not to Be? Marriage is the Question?

What do I look for in a person I'm marrying? “You just know,” is probably the most unhelpful answer of all time and in my opinion a very bad way to base a decision such as marriage on. But a lot of people would say this how they knew they wanted to marry. I guess the majority of the population are very intuitive decision makers. But for me, although I don’t have all the answers, there are some factors I have pondered since I am recently engaged. This is not an exhaustive list, more like musings or ramblings if you will, and I think these points can apply to either gender.

In this world I think there is a myth floating around our individualistic and idealistic society. A myth that claims that marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually charged, accept-me-as-I-am and don't ask me to change, The Notebook-Sweet Home Alabama-Titanic-esque, soul mate.”

Don’t believe me? Flip to your movie channel and look at the message Hollywood communicates; look at the evidence of the media pointing to shorter and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds both men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate. They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere. Really? Really? Are we really that stupid hopeless?

Here's a possible solution I think you can live with. Here's what you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the wrong person. Again, these are ramblings from a crazy, soon to be wed, wine drinking optimist. Try it and see what happens:

1. Every time your mate falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. Right? Right? If they really loved you, they would have thought before they acted. If they were your soul mate they wouldn't have made such a heinous error. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage that'll carry over with each new partner. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right? Of COURSE they will. 
2. Avoid it all. Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, and be sure not to let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so over rated. No strings attached. Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad case” throw away the key where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.” Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.

OR, try this on for size!

Whether you buy the biblical view of marriage or not, realize that love takes hard work. And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry your “soul mate.” Because there are no 100% “right people, especially the person writing this advice.” Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. That’s why I like the biblical view of marriage. The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the biblical image of marriage provides something so much more beautifully realistic.

It paints a portrait of two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. It’s two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have yet to reach this goal. Also knowing full well that God put that person in their path to help one another become the person God wants them to be.

God’s view of marriage is one that commitment is the key. Not chemistry. In fact, commitment is chemistry. There is no greater proof of love than the willingness to commit your life to and for someone else. Just ask Jesus. 

But commitment is so out-of-style today in our “me, me, me-first” world. It’s old, boring news. Stifling. Oppressive. Obsolete. This is why marriages are happening less and lasting less. Might as well retire the institution to a museum. It’s a goner. The only solution to marriage is to avoid it. Many people avoid serious commitment all together because the prospect of pain is too great. They probably won’t say this because that means admitting they have issues up front. But that’s the truth hidden behind their mask. Let's face it, that's why I have avoided commitment in the past.

Commitment allows someone into your life in an up close and personal way. And we all I know we I have issues. So the prospect of someone seeing these issues, and then rejecting you me, is horrifying. “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they expect me to change and I can’t?” “What if they find out that I’m the wrong person?” “And what if that leads to divorce?” Ouch!

C.S. Lewis wrote something of this:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Am I writing this about you or myself? In all writing there's a touch of the author within, your bruised toes are also mine.

Have you heard? The Plague of Gossip in Church!!!

Oh how I hate gossip, and until these last several months I have prided myself that I don't participate in it nor have I been the subject of it.

Remember the telephone game we played as a child? You sat in a circle and whispered something simple like, 'she's a girl.' By the time it was whispered to everyone in the circle it turned in to 'she's a nice gorilla.' Well, so it is with gossip in church.

I've learned through the years that truly confident people and those who are walking close with God don't feel the need to gossip. I try hard not to tear others down, it's hurtful and I know when this is done it only invites others to treat you the same. So it is with gossip, if you do it then you're inviting others around you to gossip about you as well. Gossip is also nothing but idle chatter and empty noise, and it's spread and repeated by those who otherwise feel insignificant. Gossip may be fuel to feed your ego, but it causes heart breaks and shatters confidence. It also may give you short lived satisfaction but believe me it'll NEVER propel you forward in life!

I think we all can agree gossip is verbal battery. If you don't agree with me then you've obviously never been the subject of it. What do you gain by spreading gossip? The next time you're around someone who is gossiping ask yourself what you have to gain by repeating it. My guess is, NOTHING!

I started writing this to address gossip in church. This is the one place everyone feels should be free of gossip, right? Nope. Not everyone. Everyone deserves the right to feel secure and safe in God's house. Right? Nope, not everyone according to the few who participate in gossip. Gossip in church leads to a decay of trust. It is painful, a violation, and humiliating. Broadcasting private information about someone exposes the flaws of another for all to judge. Inside the church this leads to an erosion of trust and it ACTUALLY exposes and casts light on the gossiper's flawed character.

God's word is infinite, powerful and alive. But what about our words? Our words are finite, unlike God's word, but our words can be harmful to ourselves and to the body of Christ.

You know the most damaging and hypocritical words someone uses when spreading gossip in church? 'I only mentioned it because I was concerned.' Isn't that a little like the saccharin sweet adage, 'bless her heart." We all know it's said with malice and there's no concern or blessing in either of those statements.

Gossip accuses people. It charges others with wrong. People love to talk about the alleged actions of others. Gossip slanders the person sitting beside you in church, it destroys a person's character and reputation. People who say anything that pops in to their minds spread gossip. Just listening to gossip makes YOU an accomplice. If someone comes to you with gossip it's as simple as, DO NOT LISTEN, WALK AWAY! You may think talking about others will not hurt anything because you are just stating what you have 'heard' as fact, but you're wrong. When someone says something that will hurt another they are disobeying God.

NEWS FLASH people! If you gossip about someone you are judging them. And if you're a Christian you know there is only one judge and that is God. Be careful you don't trample on God's law and make your own. You're treading on some dangerous ground when you believe you're God's equal and have the authority to judge others.

And let's talk about SLANDER! Such a harsh word isn't it? When does gossip go from idle chatter to slander and harassment? Isn't it sad that you profess to want to help others, lift your brothers and sisters up, but yet you want to spread 'juicy" gossip and slander another's character? You're the first one in line to throw stones at the one you think has wronged you. Did you know effectively, slander is information which presents a damaging view of someone, whether it's done innocently or maliciously? In the New Testament there are several Scriptures about gossip and slander. James 4:11 tells us, "Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement of it." AND 1 Peter 2:1 says "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind." There are many Scriptures prohibiting gossip and slander; I HIGHLY recommend if you're someone who can't help but partake in malicious gossip, whether you're repeating it or listening to it that you sit yourself between the covers of your Bible and become a little familiar with God's Word.

So, TAKE A STAND! Be the person to say the buck stops here and make sure gossip always stops with you. Never circulate something or be an audience to words of something that you're not proud to be a part of.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Hang Tight... If you're hanging at all!

I'd love to be coy and wonder out loud if there's anyone even reading this anymore, but I'm not too good at faking that kind of thing. My stat tracker shows me plain as day you're all out there still, reading regularly (or reading, period), though what or why, I'm not sure, since I'm basically an absent blogger these days. But, you're there, and I know it, so why pretend?

I've got this angsty, confessional post coming up that goes into a lot of detail about my thoughts lately, but since it's not yet finished and I'm feeling the need to write, that'll have to wait a little more so I can whine a bit about how freaking stressed I've been for weeks now.

It's the usual - work, boyfriend and life, all of which are slamming me with projects (work), frustration (boyfriend) and lack of fun (life in general). It's not so much that blogging is overwhelming, but rather, time consuming. I get home and the last thing I want to do is be on the computer. I think I'm about ready to accept that there won't be any real down, quiet time that would allow me the energy and presence of mind to write for a good while, because just when I think, oh, in two weeks XXX and XXX will be over and done with and then I can get back to some of the things I want to do, something new comes up and there goes that. I'm back to exhausted and being short on time.

The thing is, beyond the exhaustion and myriad time-consuming responsibilities and the pretty busy schedule I maintain, I really feel a bit over-saturated with technology and just don't want to deal with it when I do have down time. By the time I'm home from work, I'm sick of the computer. I don't get full use of my Droid because while I love how handy it is, I've come to view these *smart* phones are real hindrances to having real, enjoyable engagement with real, live human beings (more on that on another day, as I've got a lot of phone rage I'd love to vent about, especially when it interferes in my quality time with TG).

There's some other stuff, some other reasons why it's felt like a real challenge to write here for some time. You'll have to wait for the angsty post for that. Today, it's just a small peek into what's been going on lately, and an effort (small, to be sure) on my end to stay in touch. I struggle a lot with the notion of feeling obligated to an audience, of *having to* write for anyone but myself, and especially with addressing said audience. But at the same time, isn't that what a blogger wants for her blog, readers? So how can I then ignore you or pretend you're not there, when I know you are, and I love you for it?

Sheesh, even that made my brain hurt. This exhaustion is exhausting. Please light a candle that I survive the next couple of weeks, because seriously, I do have a lot on my mind.

Over and out for now.

Tis the holiday season...

I have never been this stressed at the holidays before. But then I can't remember the last time I was single during the holidays. Do you think that has something to do with it???

Last night Tough Guy spent the night and was sooo sweet; even though I was really irritating most of the night, and he didn't do anything to deserve it. He was very patient with me and said all the right things; which further irritated me more. It drives me crazy when people say, "it's okay" when I'm in a bad mood because what I want is to have my feelings validated. I know he's a man and it's their nature to want to fix it.

Let me explain why I have been really bitchy lately. My ex, who is like Dr. Jekyll at this point came to my home over Thanksgiving weekend and deposited most everything I own in my condo. I gave him a key cause I thought we were on friendly terms where I could trust him. We had an agreement that I would get all of the things out of the house by the end of the year; this way he could continue to use things until then since he owns so little. INSTEAD he brings everything and dumps it in my place. I barely could open the door! And the shitter kicker on top of that is he chose to keep things of mine; not things he owned, not things he owned prior to us being married but things I owned long before I knew him. He kept an italian leather loveseat and chair and I am still discovering things that he STOLE from me. I am still living in chaos because everything I own will not fit in my condo; it's driving me crazy. I am affected by my external surroundings so when my space is chaotic it feels as if it carries over in to my life. I am slowly working on it and hopefully this weekend I won't have a washer sitting in my kitchen blocking my dishwasher!

So this chaos added to the stress I am feeling over the holidays has made me very bitchy unfriendly to be around. But Tough Guy has been extremely patient and he has wanted to talk about my stress. Now what man wants to do that? Isn't it typical behavior that men want to run and hide when we're in raging bitch mode? He says that I really haven't been that bad; but I feel like I have been a bitch on speed.

We talked a lot last night and I feel much better this morning and I just wanted to stay home cuddled up with him, especially since it's suppose to be sleeting/snowing all day today.

Life it has changed...

Well, it's been a while hasn't it? And I've missed you. I've missed having this outlet to vent. A lot has changed over the past several months; for one, I left my husband and I didn't have an affair. I realize no one is reading this blog but it feels good for me to say as bad as it got and as much as I considered it; I DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR! 


I thought about it but I couldn't bring myself to come to that point. I knew in a moment of clarity it was best to leave the marriage before I did something I would regret.

Alive

Yes I have been MIA as someone recently pointed out, sorry about that. A quick summary and then I'll go into details later.

I have been off on a recent weekend adventure kayaking on the New River (pics to come later), I am moving (yep to a new city in NC), looking for a house to buy and trying to find a job.

Whew!

Check back for more details later this week, maybe even this weekend!

Refusal

Okay, so in my typical self I refuse to let life circumstances get me down. Things are in turmoil right now but I refuse to let this depression get me down long term. Each day at a time, right?

Tips for My Life...

These are tips I have picked up in my life; some I have heard from others, but here they have my own flair in them! Pick & choose which ones (if any) work for you.


1. Go to bed on time.
2. Get up on time so you can start your day unrushed.
3. Pray.
4. Simplify and unclutter your life.
5. Say no to projects that don't fit in to your schedule or ones that will compromise your mental health.
6. Allow extra time to get places and to get things done.
7. Delegate tasks to others.
8. Less IS more (many times one isn't enough, but often two is too many)
9. Take one day at a time.
10. Live within your budget, don't use credit for everyday purchases.
11. K.Y.M.S. (Keep Your Mouth Shut) This one tip can save you a lot of headache in the future.
12. Eat right.
13. Get organized so everything has its place.
14. Write down your thoughts and inspirations so you can recapture them on days when they're most needed.
15. Every day, find time to be alone.
16. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot.
17. Nip the small problems in the bud.
18. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all!
19. Develop a forgiving attitude (those around you are usually doing the best they can)
20. Laugh.
21. Laugh some more.
22. Park your ego.
23. Be kind to unkind people; I'm sure they need it more.
24. Talk less, listen more.
25. SLOW down.
26. Remind yourself you are not the general manager of the universe.
27. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is a simple, "help me."
28. Get enough rest. Questions about this? See #1.
29. Do something for the Kid in you everyday.
30. Lastly, every night before bed, think of one thing you are grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

Tips for My Life...

These are tips I have picked up in my life; some I have heard from others, but here they have my own flair in them! Pick & choose which ones (if any) work for you.


1. Go to bed on time.
2. Get up on time so you can start your day unrushed.
3. Pray.
4. Simplify and unclutter your life.
5. Say no to projects that don't fit in to your schedule or ones that will compromise your mental health.
6. Allow extra time to get places and to get things done.
7. Delegate tasks to others.
8. Less IS more (many times one isn't enough, but often two is too many)
9. Take one day at a time.
10. Live within your budget, don't use credit for everyday purchases.
11. K.Y.M.S. (Keep Your Mouth Shut) This one tip can save you a lot of headache in the future.
12. Eat right.
13. Get organized so everything has its place.
14. Write down your thoughts and inspirations so you can recapture them on days when they're most needed.
15. Every day, find time to be alone.
16. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot.
17. Nip the small problems in the bud.
18. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all!
19. Develop a forgiving attitude (those around you are usually doing the best they can)
20. Laugh.
21. Laugh some more.
22. Park your ego.
23. Be kind to unkind people; I'm sure they need it more.
24. Talk less, listen more.
25. SLOW down.
26. Remind yourself you are not the general manager of the universe.
27. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is a simple, "help me."
28. Get enough rest. Questions about this? See #1.
29. Do something for the Kid in you everyday.
30. Lastly, every night before bed, think of one thing you are grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

Life Changes Revisited

A few of you have commented on my last post about "life changes" and I wanted to give you more details. I'm just gonna be open about the whole thing because well; no one really knows me except for maybe one or two people & they already know all about this. ;)

So my marriage is crumbling, and when I say crumbling I mean falling apart all around me and I have no idea how to fix it. I know everyone will have their ideas on what I or we can do to make it better; but a lot has been done already with no significant improvement; and I'm really writing to voice my confusion on the issues. I have spent so many hours crying about this, thinking about it, racking my brain on how to "fix" it, and so many more hours stressing about it.

See my husband suffers from depression, he's been diagnosed by two therapists and a physician for depression but he doesn't want to address it. I have spent the last year and a half of ups and downs, begging him to take the medication he's been prescribed and to see a therapist for more than 3-4 times before stopping. Instead what has happened is he'll fill a relatively strong dose of meds, take it until it's gone and then decide he no longer needs it; as well as he'll go to a therapist once or twice and then not go again for 2-3 months (and that is usually after a fight begging him to go again). These issues have taken such a toll on our marriage I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I'm in a constant state of tension awaiting the other shoe to drop where I'll inevitably have to "fix" it, because that is the role I have assumed and while some think it's voluntarily believe me sometimes I would like to be the one taken care of. Being like this is affecting so many other areas in my life. I have forgotten how to experience the simple joy of things in life.

I handle most of the marital responsibilities such as finances, bills, and household management. Now I know some may think; "well so do I"; but I do this out of necessity because if I don't the accounts will be overdrawn hundreds of dollars and the utilities will be turned off. Again I know I am a strong, independent woman; and those who know me will agree wholeheartedly with this; but SOMETIMES I want the comfort of knowing I can rely on my husband to handle these things. We have tried him handling this stuff and inevitably I'll come home to the lights turned off & the car insurance lapsing; all bad things of course. I am by no means perfect in all of this, but it's hard to keep everything together for someone else, as well as a marriage and keep your own life afloat for this long of a period of time.

I just wanna cry because I am running out of energy to keep my marriage together, keep my mental state healthy, and handle everything else. There is so much more I could write about this issue but I could be here for hours writing it...

Blogging

Are you blogging too much if you're dreaming about blogging?

Hmm... The reason I ask is because last night I had such a fitful night of sleeping and I distinctly remember dreaming about blogging. It was so realistic that I could have been blogging in my sleep. But thankfully when I awoke this morning and logged on there was not some unusual (any more than normal) ramblings.

I think I had so much going on in my mind last night before falling asleep that I just couldn't turn my brain off. The lesson to this is, meditate and clear my mind before falling asleep; of course easier said than done most nights.

Argh!

So my husband has interviewed for this GREAT job a few hours from us and the anticipation of not knowing whether he got it is killing me! I mean really killing me. This is such an awesome career opportunity for him and a great chance for us to move back to the city. He is SO calm, doesn't act as if he's on edge at all. Me on the other hand have to sit on my hands to prevent myself from chewing my fingers down to nubs. I would give anything to have his calm demeanor. If we don't hear anything by tomorrow I may need a sedative!

Yummy Cookies

Okay, so thanks to my friend Cory & his girlfriend, Amanda; I love pumpkin cookies. I think they are the best cookies ever! So I have searched the internet for a receipe that sounds as delicious as their cookies were. I sure hope so, I think I could have eaten a whole batch of those cookies!

Pumpkin Cookie Recipe
If you like pumpkin or fall or warm spiced tea or orange leaves or a brisk walk - you will LOVE these cookies. If you're looking for healthy, go somewhere else. These are not it, but they are good!

Caners Pumpkin Cookie Recipe
1 cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
1 cup cooked pumpkin
1 Tbsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 egg
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon (I usually add about 5)
1/2 tsp salt**optional - I usually add a tsp or so of ginger or nutmeg just to shake it up.

Cream butter, sugars, vanilla, pumpkin, egg - not too much. Just enough. In a separate bowl mix dry ingredients. Add slowly to the butter mixture. Be careful not to over mix. Bake for 10 - 12 minutes @ 350˚F. Voila!

**these cookies are meant to be slightly soft and moist. Do not overbake. Add cranberries if you're looking for a twist.**

Yummy Cookies

Okay, so thanks to my friend Cory & his girlfriend, Amanda; I love pumpkin cookies. I think they are the best cookies ever! So I have searched the internet for a receipe that sounds as delicious as their cookies were. I sure hope so, I think I could have eaten a whole batch of those cookies!

Pumpkin Cookie Recipe
If you like pumpkin or fall or warm spiced tea or orange leaves or a brisk walk - you will LOVE these cookies. If you're looking for healthy, go somewhere else. These are not it, but they are good!

Caners Pumpkin Cookie Recipe
1 cup butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup white sugar
1 cup cooked pumpkin
1 Tbsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1 egg
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon (I usually add about 5)
1/2 tsp salt**optional - I usually add a tsp or so of ginger or nutmeg just to shake it up.

Cream butter, sugars, vanilla, pumpkin, egg - not too much. Just enough. In a separate bowl mix dry ingredients. Add slowly to the butter mixture. Be careful not to over mix. Bake for 10 - 12 minutes @ 350˚F. Voila!

**these cookies are meant to be slightly soft and moist. Do not overbake. Add cranberries if you're looking for a twist.**