Friendship: Iron Sharpens Iron

friend.ship

'fren(d)SHip/

Noun

Urban Dictionary: True Friend

A true friend is someone who has touched your heart and will stay there. Someone you care for, who cares for you. Someone you can do the stupidest things around and always be forgiven. Someone you'll instantly remember in ten years because they are in your heart and not just your mind. They have the ability to change you, even if they don't. They will be etched in your memories forever.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to friendship, but especially friendships that evolve from church and how they impact us and our walk. We talk a lot about relationships in church, but do we talk about friendship? Think about some of your best memories, I bet they involve friends. Your worst times are made better by friends, and your best times aren’t as wonderful without sharing it with friends.

Here’s what I’ve learned from personal experience; I bet your happiness with your church is based on two very important things. If you’re really happy within your church I’m sure you have an excellent leader who is providing you quality teaching and you have quality friends within your church. Yes, there are other important things that make you happy with your church, but in my experience these two things are what matters most.

So what happens when church friend’s behaviors change because you are changing? Perhaps God is calling you in another direction, not calling you to leave your church but directing your talents to be used in another capacity? How does that affect church relationships & friendships? In my life, I’ve noticed differences in friendships since I’ve dedicated my talents to ministry outside my church. At times it’s come in the form of complete disinterest when I share a story I find inspiring, but it’s also come in the form of rejection.

I never noticed before now that some members of my church are exclusive and I am no longer a part of that exclusivity. They do not want to hear about my new path, they have stopped calling, they don’t look at me the same, and in many ways pretend I don’t exist; they are disassociating themselves. 

I’ve found on particularly hard days when I struggle with this that I feel like an outcast. I’ve asked God to bridge the gap between my path and my church friends. I know that suffering for our faith comes with continued growth. I pray my discouragement turns to encouragement.

I can’t begin to understand the rejection, but I can pray for strength; I will pray for guidance. A wise friend pointed out that in these circumstances often church friends think that by branching out, broadening your path, reaching others outside your church walls for God that perhaps you are being called away from your church and that can seem threatening, especially to a small church.   

God is teaching me every day through the blessings He gives me and the trials I suffer, whether they are self-made or brought on by change; there is a lesson. In this lesson I’m learning I will not be the kind of friend who is a sponge, one who avoids and does or says nothing, but also contributes nothing to the friendship. I will not be a sword, the kind of friend who cuts to the quick but also destroys the friendship in the process. I strive to be a stone; the kind of friend that upon which others can be sharpened, to be made better and more mature. A stone makes a faithful friend which is much better than a sponge or a sword.

Losing friends doesn’t mean forever. Differences challenge us, but if we walk with God then the challenge strengthens us and the challenge is a good one. It’s during tough times that we discover what we’re made of, especially when we endure them by remaining respectful and kind to others. 

Let me say, it doesn’t feel good to lose friends or have a friendship weaken. It feels like persecution, but it is testing my character, endurance and my sincere attempt to live by faith. I know evil will do all it can to work through my situation and will use the people in my life to cause me doubt and to convince me to abandon my path. By understanding that sometimes I have to lose life as I have known it, I will embrace the totality of the path God has brought me to, the one with open doors and miracles waiting to happen. I prayerfully need to stay open to the change God wants for me.

I will be a stone.

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17)

To Be or Not to Be? Marriage is the Question?

What do I look for in a person I'm marrying? “You just know,” is probably the most unhelpful answer of all time and in my opinion a very bad way to base a decision such as marriage on. But a lot of people would say this how they knew they wanted to marry. I guess the majority of the population are very intuitive decision makers. But for me, although I don’t have all the answers, there are some factors I have pondered since I am recently engaged. This is not an exhaustive list, more like musings or ramblings if you will, and I think these points can apply to either gender.

In this world I think there is a myth floating around our individualistic and idealistic society. A myth that claims that marriage will only work when you find your “smoking-hot, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually charged, accept-me-as-I-am and don't ask me to change, The Notebook-Sweet Home Alabama-Titanic-esque, soul mate.”

Don’t believe me? Flip to your movie channel and look at the message Hollywood communicates; look at the evidence of the media pointing to shorter and fewer marriages; research studies suggest this is a primary factor that holds both men and women back from marital commitment – they just haven’t found their soul mate. They believe in their heart of hearts that their match-made-in-heaven is still out there, somewhere. Really? Really? Are we really that stupid hopeless?

Here's a possible solution I think you can live with. Here's what you do when you find yourself in a relationship with the wrong person. Again, these are ramblings from a crazy, soon to be wed, wine drinking optimist. Try it and see what happens:

1. Every time your mate falls short, find another. On to the next one. Then when they fall short, and they will, do it again. And again. And then again. Forgiveness is futile. Reconciliation, pointless. If they were your soul mate they’d never make those kind of mistakes. Right? Right? If they really loved you, they would have thought before they acted. If they were your soul mate they wouldn't have made such a heinous error. Of course, there will be significant emotional baggage that'll carry over with each new partner. But sooner or later you’re bound to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, right? And they’ll be perfect, right? Of COURSE they will. 
2. Avoid it all. Make it girls’ night out every weekend. Feed your appetite for sex when it’s hungry, and be sure not to let anyone too close. Marriage is old news anyways. Commitment is so over rated. No strings attached. Lock your heart up in an “iron-clad case” throw away the key where no one can reach it, and allow it to grow “motionless, unbreakable, and impenetrable.” Then no one will ever break it… or capture it.

OR, try this on for size!

Whether you buy the biblical view of marriage or not, realize that love takes hard work. And that, as long as you limit the field to human beings, you’ll never marry your “soul mate.” Because there are no 100% “right people, especially the person writing this advice.” Sin’s presence in the world guarantees it. There are only wrong people who pretend to be right and wrong people who are becoming right, through Jesus. That’s why I like the biblical view of marriage. The fairy-tale image of two soul mates finding love at last is just that, a fairy tale. But the biblical image of marriage provides something so much more beautifully realistic.

It paints a portrait of two sinners, committing to the task of one another, for the sake of one another, until death do them part. It’s two imperfect people, committing to the sanctifying work of expressing Jesus’ self-sacrificial love, to their lover, so that they might see him or her become the person God has always intended them to be, knowing full well that neither of them have yet to reach this goal. Also knowing full well that God put that person in their path to help one another become the person God wants them to be.

God’s view of marriage is one that commitment is the key. Not chemistry. In fact, commitment is chemistry. There is no greater proof of love than the willingness to commit your life to and for someone else. Just ask Jesus. 

But commitment is so out-of-style today in our “me, me, me-first” world. It’s old, boring news. Stifling. Oppressive. Obsolete. This is why marriages are happening less and lasting less. Might as well retire the institution to a museum. It’s a goner. The only solution to marriage is to avoid it. Many people avoid serious commitment all together because the prospect of pain is too great. They probably won’t say this because that means admitting they have issues up front. But that’s the truth hidden behind their mask. Let's face it, that's why I have avoided commitment in the past.

Commitment allows someone into your life in an up close and personal way. And we all I know we I have issues. So the prospect of someone seeing these issues, and then rejecting you me, is horrifying. “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they expect me to change and I can’t?” “What if they find out that I’m the wrong person?” “And what if that leads to divorce?” Ouch!

C.S. Lewis wrote something of this:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Am I writing this about you or myself? In all writing there's a touch of the author within, your bruised toes are also mine.

Have you heard? The Plague of Gossip in Church!!!

Oh how I hate gossip, and until these last several months I have prided myself that I don't participate in it nor have I been the subject of it.

Remember the telephone game we played as a child? You sat in a circle and whispered something simple like, 'she's a girl.' By the time it was whispered to everyone in the circle it turned in to 'she's a nice gorilla.' Well, so it is with gossip in church.

I've learned through the years that truly confident people and those who are walking close with God don't feel the need to gossip. I try hard not to tear others down, it's hurtful and I know when this is done it only invites others to treat you the same. So it is with gossip, if you do it then you're inviting others around you to gossip about you as well. Gossip is also nothing but idle chatter and empty noise, and it's spread and repeated by those who otherwise feel insignificant. Gossip may be fuel to feed your ego, but it causes heart breaks and shatters confidence. It also may give you short lived satisfaction but believe me it'll NEVER propel you forward in life!

I think we all can agree gossip is verbal battery. If you don't agree with me then you've obviously never been the subject of it. What do you gain by spreading gossip? The next time you're around someone who is gossiping ask yourself what you have to gain by repeating it. My guess is, NOTHING!

I started writing this to address gossip in church. This is the one place everyone feels should be free of gossip, right? Nope. Not everyone. Everyone deserves the right to feel secure and safe in God's house. Right? Nope, not everyone according to the few who participate in gossip. Gossip in church leads to a decay of trust. It is painful, a violation, and humiliating. Broadcasting private information about someone exposes the flaws of another for all to judge. Inside the church this leads to an erosion of trust and it ACTUALLY exposes and casts light on the gossiper's flawed character.

God's word is infinite, powerful and alive. But what about our words? Our words are finite, unlike God's word, but our words can be harmful to ourselves and to the body of Christ.

You know the most damaging and hypocritical words someone uses when spreading gossip in church? 'I only mentioned it because I was concerned.' Isn't that a little like the saccharin sweet adage, 'bless her heart." We all know it's said with malice and there's no concern or blessing in either of those statements.

Gossip accuses people. It charges others with wrong. People love to talk about the alleged actions of others. Gossip slanders the person sitting beside you in church, it destroys a person's character and reputation. People who say anything that pops in to their minds spread gossip. Just listening to gossip makes YOU an accomplice. If someone comes to you with gossip it's as simple as, DO NOT LISTEN, WALK AWAY! You may think talking about others will not hurt anything because you are just stating what you have 'heard' as fact, but you're wrong. When someone says something that will hurt another they are disobeying God.

NEWS FLASH people! If you gossip about someone you are judging them. And if you're a Christian you know there is only one judge and that is God. Be careful you don't trample on God's law and make your own. You're treading on some dangerous ground when you believe you're God's equal and have the authority to judge others.

And let's talk about SLANDER! Such a harsh word isn't it? When does gossip go from idle chatter to slander and harassment? Isn't it sad that you profess to want to help others, lift your brothers and sisters up, but yet you want to spread 'juicy" gossip and slander another's character? You're the first one in line to throw stones at the one you think has wronged you. Did you know effectively, slander is information which presents a damaging view of someone, whether it's done innocently or maliciously? In the New Testament there are several Scriptures about gossip and slander. James 4:11 tells us, "Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement of it." AND 1 Peter 2:1 says "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind." There are many Scriptures prohibiting gossip and slander; I HIGHLY recommend if you're someone who can't help but partake in malicious gossip, whether you're repeating it or listening to it that you sit yourself between the covers of your Bible and become a little familiar with God's Word.

So, TAKE A STAND! Be the person to say the buck stops here and make sure gossip always stops with you. Never circulate something or be an audience to words of something that you're not proud to be a part of.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

The BIG 4-0!

Yesterday was the BIG 4-0 as some people call it. Did I wake up feeling differently? Not really. In fact, it was a day just like the one before with the exception of all the wonderful birthday wishes, time with friends, the flowers, and cards. :)  Thank you to all those who helped make the BIG 4-0 memorable. 

I did spend some time reflecting yesterday and today on what have I learned in 40 years, some lessons I've learned by personal experience and some by observing others. I pass this list on with the simple hope it teaches you something.

1. Friends come and go. When I was younger I was okay with this, as I get older I treasure each friend with the fierceness of a mountain lion. 
2. I wish I had grown up with a family, I think maybe the lessons I now know would have come much sooner in life and some of my mistakes wouldn't have been so damaging to myself and others. 
3. It's sick to want to be be sick. Be happy to be healthy, and sometimes you have to 'chin up' when you're sick, there's something to be said for sucking it up. Thank you mom for teaching me this. 
4. It's a choice to look for the good in others. It's easier to see bad, to make it the focus, but I choose to look for the good. Sometimes, I must look deeper into people and see their true spirit, what drives them, and who they are, rather than just looking at the outside person. I have made many misjudgments simply because I was too lazy, too blind, or did not care enough to find the truth, or look into another's heart. 
5. It's a bigger blessing to BE the blessing than to receive it. So the more I give to others, the more rewarding my life is. Sometimes all I have to give is my time, and I've realized sometimes this is all someone wants. 
6. Keeping my balance in what I give is important because I can't give what I don't have. 
7. Forgiving others is way more freeing for me, because holding on to what others have done to me only hurts me. 
8. Praying for others to change rarely works, I've found that change has often come in my life when I've asked for God to help me instead of changing others. 
9. Saying 'I'm sorry' to someone is not enough. Specifically apologizing by saying 'I'm sorry for...' validates what the other person feels, and this helps mends hurts whether real or imagined; imagined hurts are real for someone else. 
10. Every person is leading someone somewhere. I have an impact on someone's life so where am I leading that person right now? 
11. Saying hard things to the people I love in my life is never easy, but it is NECESSARY and it always pays off. Even if the person I am saying it to doesn't 'get it' I am no longer holding on to feelings I need to let go. 
12. Following what God wants for me isn't always easy but it's never wrong. 
13. Getting in shape is important to me. I'll never be the size 4 I once was, where I can eat anything and not gain a pound, so relying on discipline for the next 30 years needs to be a priority to keep me where I want to be. 
14. I can't be all things to everyone in my life, I will kill myself trying so instead I choose to try and please Christ in all things. 
15. Everything I have can be used to love others, my time, my hobbies, my job, and my material possessions. After all, God gave me these things and all of it belongs to Him so why not allow it to be used by Him to show love to others. 
16. Praying with someone is invaluable, whether I do this in person or over the phone, I am blessed every time. 
17. It is important for me to remain open to hearing the truth from everyone. Even if I haven't given that person permission to tell me, they usually have something really valuable for me to hear. 
18. Taking ownership of my failures builds a foundation for my future. I can't regret what has happened in my life, it can't be unchanged, undone or forgotten but I can move on with grace. 
19. God loves me because of who He is, not because of something I did or didn't do. 
20. Taking deep breaths calms my mind and praying soothes my spirit. For me praying is my act of talking with God and meditation is the act of listening to what He has to say. 
21. My life isn't very long. It's what's happening right now as I write these words, as I draw my breath, it's the here and now and it doesn't last forever. 
22. I need to fight for what God says is right. 
23. My actions speak the truth. I can say all the right words, but in the end, it's my actions that will say everything. 
24. There will be sadness in my life journey, but I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other because happiness is right around the bend. 
25. Self awareness of my choices will free me from negative, reactive behaviors. I choose to never stop learning and growing. 
26. I will never seek my self-worth at the expense of someone else's. Devaluing someone else will only prompt them to treat me the same. 
27. Praying in the morning gives me a productive day. 
28. Giving thanks at night gives me a peaceful night's rest. 
29. My pets give me great JOY, they are as much my family as the people in my life. Puppy kisses and kitten snuggles really make me smile. 
30. I have enough. More is not better. 
31. I want my legacy to be to add more value in the world than the resources I'm using up. 
32. Being honest in all situations is sometimes by far my hardest choice, but it's the best choice for the rest of my life. 
33. I hate uncertainty. This isn't a cliche, it's the truth. Life is uncertain, tomorrow is not promised, and because of this my choices need to be pleasing to God. But still, I hate uncertainty. 
34. Taking time doing nothing is important for my growth. During this time is when I reflect on choices I have made and if I'm always busy I miss lessons I need to learn. 
35. Coffee time with my girlfriends is therapeutic and I will work hard at maintaining those relationships. 
36. No matter how much I swore when I was younger that I wouldn't become like my mother, in many ways I am. I AM VERY PROUD OF THAT. There is no greater woman than her, no one I'd rather be like and I hope as the years come I'll continue to grow into myself with some of her best qualities. 
37. I need to let anger go. My anger is a cover up for my fear. I have fears because I haven't turned them over to God, I am a work in progress. 
38. Not everything is about me. When people in my life do and say hurtful things I need to remember it's not always about me. Sometimes it's about something they're not dealing with. 
39. I need to make daily deposits to the life of my dreams because perseverance pays off. When I take an active involvement in my own life by making decisions and taking action towards my goals I feel accomplished. 
40. I must remain passionate about what I do, this is a must, and if I'm not passionate about it then it's not what I need to do. I need to be sure that it's something in me, in my heart and that I love doing.

And 1 to grow on:

1. Carpe' Diem. I will enjoy life now. I will enjoy the moments more, I will relish the good times and absorb the not so good times because God's got this.

So look out 50, because if the first 40 has taught me this much; I can't wait to see what the next 10 teaches me.

Relationship Ramblings...

I seem to have this idea in my head that I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I’ve forgotten that in between dating around and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”. I suppose it has something to do with age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so I avoid it all together.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want a man in my life right now, as I feel he would distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…

Crap.

Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that the right guy would add to my life and not distract me from said goals and priorities.

So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my singledom while being open to the possibility that the right guy will show up. Trouble is to not be tempted by the wrong guy…

When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?

Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a FORTY-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term commitment? Is it possible?

Refocus and Redirect

I've decided that I just can't deal with what may be going on with Minx and TG right now. What I mean is I just don't even want to handle this situation right now; I'd prefer to bury my head in the sand for a while and let it fade. Now, realistically I know this can't go on longer term but right now it's Christmas time and I want to refocus my energy on that and worry about the rest in 2011.

I want to redirect some energy in my life to truly giving back in 2011. This is of course the time of year when we reflect back not only on the past year but years past and think; "didn't I say I was gonna do that last year?" Believe it or not I have been selfish in years past and all my "resolutions", if you want to call them that, have been about moi. Hard to believe right? Aren't all of our New Year's resolutions about us? To be honest, in a small part even wanting to have 2011 dedicated towards service of others is in some small part about me. Can we ever truly unselfishly give to others?

I have looked in to many volunteer opportunities and ways I can contribute to a better society in 2011. I've decided to place my focus on children, more importantly homeless children; those who have run away from home and need mentoring, a person to vent to, a shoulder to cry one because they don't have parents who want to be that for them.

I don't have children, although I help co-parent TG's two teenage kids; but I have been a child who was homeless and one who lived on the streets. Perhaps in 2011 I can finally take some personal knowledge and my success story (hey I look good on paper) to help a child in crisis.

If you have made 2011 a year in which you're giving back to society, tell me what you're doing. I'd love to hear inspirational stories of what you're doing or how you've given back in years past. Please don't tell me of how you've donated money but how have you given of yourself?

Dig a Little Deeper?????

Wow! I've gone from being sick to anger, it's a little like a slow burn...

After looking at my current billing cycle I thought to myself; "hmmm, how long has this been going on?" So, what did I decide to do? Dig a little deeper of course! I mean why not; I'm already hurt and getting angrier by the minute. So I looked at my last months bill and what did I find 92 text messages exchanged between TG & Minx. Now you might say that's not many compared to this month and you'd be correct; however Minx just got a cell phone (she didn't previously have one) in late October, so that many texts in about a week. Wow, just burning up the lines aren't they!

What a lying snake and her; well there are no nice names that come to mind. You'd think she'd be smarter since she's married but obviously she has no respect for her marriage vows!

Affair of the Heart?

Today I am sick, so sick to my stomach because I have discovered what I believe to be an affair of the heart. Now I am somewhat clueless in this realm because it's not something I am familiar with; so given this new knowledge that TG might be more than likely is having an emotional affair with a past ex, what do I do?

Maybe some of you are more knowledgeable about this type of thing and can offer insight because all I have done, aside from feeling like I'm gonna vomit; is google emotional affirs. Here's what I have found:

6 Signs of Emotional Cheating

An affair of the heart happens when you:

1. Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy). Which TG has done with Minxie (that's what I'm calling the lying tramp from his past); he has discussed our relationship with her!
2. Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner. He has never done this, but then again she does live 16 hours away.
3. Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected. I don't know if he has done this because I haven' checked. Should I?
4. Hide or are secretive about your life, relationships, and activities. He is secretive about his thoughts and feelings, and I now believe he shares them freely with minx but not me.
5. Keep your partner waiting while you spend time with your “friend.” Again, see #2
6. Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers. Yes, this is exactly what he is doing! She is an old "friend" from middle school who he dated in high school, and loved for years even while he was married to his ex.

Let me give you some basic background info and I'm sorry if along the way I ramble because I am trying to sort through this in my head while translating it to my heart, so that I can get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Minx and TG have known each other since they were children (10-ish) and they dated for a while in junior high and have kept in close contact through the years; all during his marriage to his ex and her two marriages (Minx is working on #2). During TG's marriage he admitted to me he loved Minx but was committed to his marriage and Minx had feelings for him; these never culminated in to anything because he was faithful to his wife. After his separation he went home for a visit and spent time with Minx; keep in mind she's married with 3 children, and they had a brief encounter with one another. They didn't sleep together, but they did kiss and were having what I would call an emotional affair at that time; she mailed him photos of her in lingerie! Bet her husband doesn't know about that!

To the best of my knowledge this ceased over a year ago, but recently I have discovered TG has been communicating a lot via text messaging with Minx. Before you raise the question; how do I kow this; I'll tell you I discovered it on my cell bill; which I have put him and his children on. 209 texts exchanged in 5 days!!!! Is this inappropriate? It feels wrong and a violation of our relationship.

What to do, what to do? I am sick...

What I am Thankful For

Since we’re all starting the holiday countdown and many of us will be traveling in the next few weeks, I thought I would take a moment to say what I am truly thankful this year. Yes, cheesy. OK, a bit corny. But all in all, a nice thing I want to do. Mostly to remind myself that life is good – and that despite some nastiness 2010 has brought, I am surrounded by good things.  So, I’m gonna get cheesy on your ass and say I am thankful for:

• My friends putting up with my crap – though this year, I was primarily drama-free (yay, me!)
• Finally finding a great job that I love going to *most* mornings
• My Ridge-it for learning to snuggle more in the mornings (although I really wish he'd learn to do it quietly!)
• Heading up North to reconnect with my brother 
• Living in a state where I can enjoy the outdoors all the time
• Spending time with my boyfriend's teenage children and surviving!
• Slowly Very slowly working my way out of debt
• (Re)discovering myself
• You, my bloggy friends
• The ability to quit Facebook when needed
• A life interesting enought that gives me enough fodder to entertain you on this blog
• Connecting with new and old friends who are there for me, no matter what

And last, but not least, dating TG and even with his crappy ex he has been wonderful! 

So on that note, peace out. Have a wonderful Turkey Day – even if you don’t celebrate, drink a lot of wine, eat a lot of food, and if possible watch football. I know I will.  Talk with you soon.

Hang Tight... If you're hanging at all!

I'd love to be coy and wonder out loud if there's anyone even reading this anymore, but I'm not too good at faking that kind of thing. My stat tracker shows me plain as day you're all out there still, reading regularly (or reading, period), though what or why, I'm not sure, since I'm basically an absent blogger these days. But, you're there, and I know it, so why pretend?

I've got this angsty, confessional post coming up that goes into a lot of detail about my thoughts lately, but since it's not yet finished and I'm feeling the need to write, that'll have to wait a little more so I can whine a bit about how freaking stressed I've been for weeks now.

It's the usual - work, boyfriend and life, all of which are slamming me with projects (work), frustration (boyfriend) and lack of fun (life in general). It's not so much that blogging is overwhelming, but rather, time consuming. I get home and the last thing I want to do is be on the computer. I think I'm about ready to accept that there won't be any real down, quiet time that would allow me the energy and presence of mind to write for a good while, because just when I think, oh, in two weeks XXX and XXX will be over and done with and then I can get back to some of the things I want to do, something new comes up and there goes that. I'm back to exhausted and being short on time.

The thing is, beyond the exhaustion and myriad time-consuming responsibilities and the pretty busy schedule I maintain, I really feel a bit over-saturated with technology and just don't want to deal with it when I do have down time. By the time I'm home from work, I'm sick of the computer. I don't get full use of my Droid because while I love how handy it is, I've come to view these *smart* phones are real hindrances to having real, enjoyable engagement with real, live human beings (more on that on another day, as I've got a lot of phone rage I'd love to vent about, especially when it interferes in my quality time with TG).

There's some other stuff, some other reasons why it's felt like a real challenge to write here for some time. You'll have to wait for the angsty post for that. Today, it's just a small peek into what's been going on lately, and an effort (small, to be sure) on my end to stay in touch. I struggle a lot with the notion of feeling obligated to an audience, of *having to* write for anyone but myself, and especially with addressing said audience. But at the same time, isn't that what a blogger wants for her blog, readers? So how can I then ignore you or pretend you're not there, when I know you are, and I love you for it?

Sheesh, even that made my brain hurt. This exhaustion is exhausting. Please light a candle that I survive the next couple of weeks, because seriously, I do have a lot on my mind.

Over and out for now.

Becoming Me...

I seem to have this idea in my head that I'm ready for a relationship and then I have this feeling of anxiety that seems to say I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I think I’ve forgotten that in between dating and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”; which I know how lucky I am that Tough Guy is such a wonderful boyfriend. I suppose it has something to do with my age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and if I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so should I avoid it all together? 

When Tough Guy & I are out with friends, or even the general public; people "assume" we're either married or headed that way. Isn't this thinking presumptuous on their parts? I asked his thoughts recently about this and he agreed that yes it was presumptuous, but that he chose to ignore it. For whatever reason I can't ignore it as easily. When this happens it's a two-part feeling for me; on one hand I'm thrilled that people see how deeply we care for one another BUT on the other hand it gives me heart palpitations and gives me an instant feeling of anxiety. I think the anxiety is due to me wondering how he feels about it when others bring it up, in addition to my own sense of not being ready.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want marriage right now, as I feel it could distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…

Crap.

Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that I am with the right right man and he adds to my life and doesn't distract but encourages me for said goals and priorities.

So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my "having a boyfriend" status while being open to the possibility that marriage may not the inevitable conclusion to our relationship but that it could be and if so it will get here in its own time. Trouble is to not lead it in that direction before being ready...

When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?

Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a thirty-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term committment? Is it possible? Perhaps I'm learning to enjoy the ride...

Am I Serving Myself Well?

Every action we take serves us in some way: everything we say yes, no or maybe to serves something in us – be it something we want or something we fear.

It’s important to understand people won’t change behaviors that cause pain unless they recognize what the current behavior serves and what change would serve. Avoidance of pain is rarely a reason to change a behavior. (Though this is not logical, it’s true. People are more comfortable with pain they know over pain they don’t; and all change brings pain in some form.)

I find this a useful tool in all my dealings. And when I find myself engaging in behavior that doesn’t ring true with my true self, I have to really stop and ask, “how does this serve?”

2009 was a really rough year for me, on every level. (Something I’m sure many of you can identify with.) Financially, and personally, I felt challenged, pushed and prodded in a million different directions and rarely did they feel good. 2009 was a year of change and it was painful in the process.

During the latter weeks of 2009, I spent a lot of time thinking and sorting through how many of my actions were serving me. It’s not a pleasant time to be with yourself and a pile of questionable choices. At times it was like a prison, and I was in solitary confinement – by choice.

I spent a lot of time being brutally honest with myself. (Actions can serve both good and bad impulses inside us. It’s important to recognize which are in play and decide on change to move things towards the positive.)

I recognized that there was a fair amount of drama in my personal life (a problem I knew how to prevent and didn’t). I recognized too what that was serving and, let’s just say, it wasn’t a good thing. I came to terms with the fact that some painful things that had happened during the year could have been avoided if I’d been willing to stick to my guns and own my own happiness. And that rather then accepting that, when things came painfully, wickedly and horrendously crashing down, I responded by serving the pain – rather then the true happiness I should have served in the first place.

I did things that, in retrospect, I regret. I failed myself and others, personally and professionally, and I feel pretty awful about it. I hurt some people, disappointed a couple others, and managed to mislead some folks about what I really wanted. I didn’t live up to my own expectations for myself, let alone anyone else’s.

I need to work pretty hard to rectify this. Some things will be dealt with by owning up to my mistakes, other’s by making amends, and some can only be dealt with in time and showing that my behaviors have changed.

I feel better already.

I am being true to myself and my long term dreams and the relationships I cherish the most. I’ve chosen to take the pain I feel over my mistakes, the regrets I’m going to have to live with, and use them to serve me in a new way – to prevent such mistakes in the future by making better choices going forward.

By examining my choices I am more likely to keep in line with my real desires, and be less distracted by short term impulses or short lived gratification. More often my answer is “by moving you toward your goals” or “respecting your own needs and health” in place of the old negative answers.

How do your actions serve you? Are you being true to yourself and the positive things you want in life or are you feeding negative feelings, impulses and old hurts? Are you brave enought to ask yourself about your work, your relationships, your new years resolutions, “how does this serve me?” and dare to be honest with yourself?

Tis the holiday season...

I have never been this stressed at the holidays before. But then I can't remember the last time I was single during the holidays. Do you think that has something to do with it???

Last night Tough Guy spent the night and was sooo sweet; even though I was really irritating most of the night, and he didn't do anything to deserve it. He was very patient with me and said all the right things; which further irritated me more. It drives me crazy when people say, "it's okay" when I'm in a bad mood because what I want is to have my feelings validated. I know he's a man and it's their nature to want to fix it.

Let me explain why I have been really bitchy lately. My ex, who is like Dr. Jekyll at this point came to my home over Thanksgiving weekend and deposited most everything I own in my condo. I gave him a key cause I thought we were on friendly terms where I could trust him. We had an agreement that I would get all of the things out of the house by the end of the year; this way he could continue to use things until then since he owns so little. INSTEAD he brings everything and dumps it in my place. I barely could open the door! And the shitter kicker on top of that is he chose to keep things of mine; not things he owned, not things he owned prior to us being married but things I owned long before I knew him. He kept an italian leather loveseat and chair and I am still discovering things that he STOLE from me. I am still living in chaos because everything I own will not fit in my condo; it's driving me crazy. I am affected by my external surroundings so when my space is chaotic it feels as if it carries over in to my life. I am slowly working on it and hopefully this weekend I won't have a washer sitting in my kitchen blocking my dishwasher!

So this chaos added to the stress I am feeling over the holidays has made me very bitchy unfriendly to be around. But Tough Guy has been extremely patient and he has wanted to talk about my stress. Now what man wants to do that? Isn't it typical behavior that men want to run and hide when we're in raging bitch mode? He says that I really haven't been that bad; but I feel like I have been a bitch on speed.

We talked a lot last night and I feel much better this morning and I just wanted to stay home cuddled up with him, especially since it's suppose to be sleeting/snowing all day today.

Today is a day of confusion...

So I've been officially single for a while now; but emotionally I've been single for a long time. Well I've met someone. I met him in October. There is no other word to describe him other than I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. He scares the shit out of me. I believe I have mentioned I am on the path of self discovery, right? On that path I have been attending church; and he attends the same church. Now I want you to know he is not a hypocritical Christian; he is strong, he has faith in God, he is a GOOD man. He loves in a capacity I have never experienced; he shakes me to the core. He makes my knees weak and he makes me question my faith, my belief system; and he helps me to grow.

Now with all of this being said he has his baggage too. He is coming from a 17 year marriage, one where he was primarily unhappy for the majority of it, one where he thought he was marrying someone else and then she changed. We've all been there at some point in our lives, haven't we? His baggage is particularly scary because he tells me he is falling in love with me. There are several issues with that:

1. How can he fall in love with ME? Remember I told you how amazing he is. Well, what can he possibly see in me that makes him step back and say; "this is her".
2. He is afraid terrified that I'll not be the woman he fell in love with if he lets himself go. 

What can I say to this? Yes, I will continue to be the same person. So easy to say... I'm a genuine person and not likely to change, but won't I change some? Isn't this life? I hope to become a better person, but there are moments when I'll slip and not be.

Today I asked him for "space", I hate that word! We all know what a negative connotation it is, and what it typically means to relationships. The thing is, I don't really want space; I just want answers!!! He is scared what this means; I am scared it'll provide him an opportunity to back away, and there are those out there who will say "if that happens it wasn't meant to be." But I don't believe this. I have never felt before that God led me to someone, I do know this with him; I've prayed about it. And I also know that even if God leads us in a certain direction he gives us the will to make choices and as an imperfect human I can make the wrong choice. The mere fact that I have prayed about it and asked for guidance is HUGE for me. Even in my lowest times in life I don't think I asked for guidance. I prayed for help; help through the issue and then promptly forgot once it was resolved, but this time I want guidance to overcome my fears and to know I am on the path that God has chosen for me.

HELP! 

Life it has changed...

Well, it's been a while hasn't it? And I've missed you. I've missed having this outlet to vent. A lot has changed over the past several months; for one, I left my husband and I didn't have an affair. I realize no one is reading this blog but it feels good for me to say as bad as it got and as much as I considered it; I DIDN'T HAVE AN AFFAIR! 


I thought about it but I couldn't bring myself to come to that point. I knew in a moment of clarity it was best to leave the marriage before I did something I would regret.

Here we are...

I'm thinking of having an affair... I really want to be with someone, physically! It has been way too long...

So where did I leave off?

I left it hanging with have I gone crazy from lack of sex OR have I cheated? Well, I haven't done either. HOWEVER, I have had sex. My husband and I separated for several months and at the time agreed we would see other people; which I did, and then ended up having an awesome like eyes rolling in the back of your head night of sex with a good friend. Now before you judge me; we were separated and I hadn't had sex in a year and four months and this friend is damn sexy!

Anyway after being with someone that long and not being noticed it felt pretty wonderful to have someone notice me as a sexual woman. I mean as I said I'm not unattractive at 5'3", long auburn hair and 130 lbs. So for all you married, in a relationship or single women who can't get a man to notice you because you think you're fat or unattractive; well I doubt you are. Speaking from someone who has decent self esteem I am often stumped as to how I am often not noticed.

These are the kinds of things you can't tell most people because

1. they don't know how to respond
2. they look at me like I'm crazy (and then I have to wonder, am I?)

Am I nuts to remain in a marriage where not just my physical needs byt emotional needs aren't being met? Don't a lot of us do this? Ugh! I'm working on getting it right; but I gotta start with getting it straight in my head first. For those who will judge after reading this post, get over it. A lot led up to that night and I am not writing this to have people judge for my transgressions; this is my outlet as I come to terms with what is in my head and heart to determine if they're the same thing.

Okay, off to dinner now; pizza just arrived.

While he's away the mice will play...

So the hubby is out for the night; too bad, thank god! He took the dogs with him which means total solitude for me and I have spent the evening catching up online and creating this blog.

This blog is long overdue because I often have things go through my mind that I never share with my husband cause well' we're just not intimate. We're not intimate socially which is a real pain in the ass but emotionally we're even less so. So here I can rant & rave, spill my guts, and reminisce about the way life was and the way I am working on it to be in the future.

So let's just jump right in, remember you were warned... Here I am married not quite two years and my first bitch is that I have had sex once with my husband! ONCE, can you fucking believe that? and I initiated it. I'm not unattractive, and am a pretty sexual woman so at this point I am REALLY frustrated. So you're probably thinking "no way, what person would tolerate that" or perhaps you're wondering why I haven't cheated instead?

Well, more about this later... after I mull over it more...

Alive

Yes I have been MIA as someone recently pointed out, sorry about that. A quick summary and then I'll go into details later.

I have been off on a recent weekend adventure kayaking on the New River (pics to come later), I am moving (yep to a new city in NC), looking for a house to buy and trying to find a job.

Whew!

Check back for more details later this week, maybe even this weekend!

Wine, Mountains & Camping, Oh My!

So in keeping with the fun of all my mini vacations so far this summer; this past weekend myself, Lu and a group of new friends from Greenville Outdoor Adventure Club trekked to the NC mountains for some wine tastings, camping and hiking. The first morning we arrived I had to have coffee, thank God for a french press! I thought this was a cool photo when I was pouring my cup.

We had a GREAT weekend, the weather was gorgeous; mid-80's but low humidity and a wonderful mountain breeze wafted the smell of honeysuckle under our noses all weekend. Looking through the pictures I hope they capture some of the fun we had and the beauty of where we were.

The first vineyard we visited was Stoney Knoll; unfortunately I don't have pictures at that vineyard of us, someone else took most of them there. We did taste 8 different wines and most of us thought this place was a top favorite. The Coe's own it and they allowed us to watch them bottle the wine; which is all done by hand. This vineyard is a hobby for everyone in the family. Everyone down to the grandkids help with this process, they fill them, seal them, label 'em and ship them all by hand. The day we visted they had 900 bottles they were processing; again all by hand! Ouch! I did capture this shot of their vineyard standing outside. You really can't beat this view!

We then piled our somewhat tipsy happy selves into vehicles with DD's of course and headed to our next stop; Flint Hill Winery. The food here was delicious! The property was beautiful and had been restored from an old farm home which was in sad shape. The home was the owner's childhood home and he decided to keep the home in the family he would renovate and start a winery. You see this a lot in NC since tobacco farms are slowly diminishing in the state. While this winery had delicious food it was our least favorite for wines. I think it had something to do with while it's a family vineyard, the place was being run by a staff and the owners were nowhere to be found. It just didn't seem to have the same cozy feeling we experienced at the first stop. Plus you didn't get the history of the place and hear the stories. Isn't this what makes it fun? I mean of course we were there for the wine, but the atmosphere was lacking. However, we ate lunch out in their courtyard and afterwards I walked through the grass in my bare feet and laid underneath a rose bush while taking in the beauty around me. Now THAT can't be beat!

Our third stop was at the Divine Llama winery. Every one of us agreed that this vineyard was the best! I mean it can't be beat for hospitality, warmth, and the wines were delicious! The owners Mike and Tom have been best friends since college and opened this winery on May 1st, they were celebrating their one month anniversary this past weekend. And to add to their coolness was the fact that they really do have llamas. They must have had 20+ plus and as we walked around the farm enjoying the wine we enjoyed the company of their dog Luke and the beauty of the blue ridge mountains in the distance. We had such a wonderful talk learning about the history of their friendship and learning about their newly formed partnership. Here's a toast to them that their vineyard is successful for many years!

The last place we landed for the day was West Bend Vineyeards. We rolled in to the parking lot at 5:10; they close at 5:00, but I was willing to beg to get in. I have been wanting to tour this vineyard for three years; yes I did say 3 years. I discovered this vineyard while driving through the country one afternoon when Lu was at work. I was bored and thought; "let's go for a drive", as I often do when I want to reflect. That day when I drove up to the large wrought iron gates I knew I had to see what was behind them. I'm sort of a kid that way; you can't keep me out! :) I went several times afterwards while he was living in the area and each time they were closed. So since I had been waiting for three long years, okay a bit of a dramatization; I ran in like a crazy woman asking if we could come in even though they were closing. Now this was a big deal for me to ask cause I am one of those people who hate it when people come in near closing time and want me to accommodate them. BUT, the woman was barely gracious when she said yes; I think she would have re-thought this if she knew seven people would be piling in to taste wine after closing time. However, all but one bought wine so I think we made it worth their while. No pictures at this vineyard because they rushed us through; but the wine was good and if I had more time I would go back to learn the history; after all this is the oldest winery in NC.

After getting back from drinking a lot of wine we ran over (literally) this box turtle; he wasn’t hurt though and we set him free in the woods. He was a little shy for the camera but since this was the only wildlife we saw all weekend we took a picture, although Travis claimed there was a beaver by the road; I think it was the wine!

After spending a really, really great day drinking wine and buying (did I mention we bought 14 bottles?!?) we headed back to where we were camping (thanks Barry & Penny) and enjoyed our wares by a blazing fire; but not before we had to explain the "brown chicken Brown cow" joke to Mike. (think 70's porn)

What are the dirtiest animals on the farm? Brown Chicken, Brown Cow! Really if I had the music for this you would definitely get the joke!