Refocus and Redirect

I've decided that I just can't deal with what may be going on with Minx and TG right now. What I mean is I just don't even want to handle this situation right now; I'd prefer to bury my head in the sand for a while and let it fade. Now, realistically I know this can't go on longer term but right now it's Christmas time and I want to refocus my energy on that and worry about the rest in 2011.

I want to redirect some energy in my life to truly giving back in 2011. This is of course the time of year when we reflect back not only on the past year but years past and think; "didn't I say I was gonna do that last year?" Believe it or not I have been selfish in years past and all my "resolutions", if you want to call them that, have been about moi. Hard to believe right? Aren't all of our New Year's resolutions about us? To be honest, in a small part even wanting to have 2011 dedicated towards service of others is in some small part about me. Can we ever truly unselfishly give to others?

I have looked in to many volunteer opportunities and ways I can contribute to a better society in 2011. I've decided to place my focus on children, more importantly homeless children; those who have run away from home and need mentoring, a person to vent to, a shoulder to cry one because they don't have parents who want to be that for them.

I don't have children, although I help co-parent TG's two teenage kids; but I have been a child who was homeless and one who lived on the streets. Perhaps in 2011 I can finally take some personal knowledge and my success story (hey I look good on paper) to help a child in crisis.

If you have made 2011 a year in which you're giving back to society, tell me what you're doing. I'd love to hear inspirational stories of what you're doing or how you've given back in years past. Please don't tell me of how you've donated money but how have you given of yourself?

Dig a Little Deeper?????

Wow! I've gone from being sick to anger, it's a little like a slow burn...

After looking at my current billing cycle I thought to myself; "hmmm, how long has this been going on?" So, what did I decide to do? Dig a little deeper of course! I mean why not; I'm already hurt and getting angrier by the minute. So I looked at my last months bill and what did I find 92 text messages exchanged between TG & Minx. Now you might say that's not many compared to this month and you'd be correct; however Minx just got a cell phone (she didn't previously have one) in late October, so that many texts in about a week. Wow, just burning up the lines aren't they!

What a lying snake and her; well there are no nice names that come to mind. You'd think she'd be smarter since she's married but obviously she has no respect for her marriage vows!

Affair of the Heart?

Today I am sick, so sick to my stomach because I have discovered what I believe to be an affair of the heart. Now I am somewhat clueless in this realm because it's not something I am familiar with; so given this new knowledge that TG might be more than likely is having an emotional affair with a past ex, what do I do?

Maybe some of you are more knowledgeable about this type of thing and can offer insight because all I have done, aside from feeling like I'm gonna vomit; is google emotional affirs. Here's what I have found:

6 Signs of Emotional Cheating

An affair of the heart happens when you:

1. Discuss your partner and relationships with your “friend.” You share your fears, hopes, and dreams (this is emotional intimacy). Which TG has done with Minxie (that's what I'm calling the lying tramp from his past); he has discussed our relationship with her!
2. Meet your “friend” for dinner or lunch without telling your partner. He has never done this, but then again she does live 16 hours away.
3. Keep your computer, files, and internet sites password-protected. I don't know if he has done this because I haven' checked. Should I?
4. Hide or are secretive about your life, relationships, and activities. He is secretive about his thoughts and feelings, and I now believe he shares them freely with minx but not me.
5. Keep your partner waiting while you spend time with your “friend.” Again, see #2
6. Stay in regular, intimate contact with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Emotional cheating can spring from close relationships with past lovers. Yes, this is exactly what he is doing! She is an old "friend" from middle school who he dated in high school, and loved for years even while he was married to his ex.

Let me give you some basic background info and I'm sorry if along the way I ramble because I am trying to sort through this in my head while translating it to my heart, so that I can get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Minx and TG have known each other since they were children (10-ish) and they dated for a while in junior high and have kept in close contact through the years; all during his marriage to his ex and her two marriages (Minx is working on #2). During TG's marriage he admitted to me he loved Minx but was committed to his marriage and Minx had feelings for him; these never culminated in to anything because he was faithful to his wife. After his separation he went home for a visit and spent time with Minx; keep in mind she's married with 3 children, and they had a brief encounter with one another. They didn't sleep together, but they did kiss and were having what I would call an emotional affair at that time; she mailed him photos of her in lingerie! Bet her husband doesn't know about that!

To the best of my knowledge this ceased over a year ago, but recently I have discovered TG has been communicating a lot via text messaging with Minx. Before you raise the question; how do I kow this; I'll tell you I discovered it on my cell bill; which I have put him and his children on. 209 texts exchanged in 5 days!!!! Is this inappropriate? It feels wrong and a violation of our relationship.

What to do, what to do? I am sick...

What I am Thankful For

Since we’re all starting the holiday countdown and many of us will be traveling in the next few weeks, I thought I would take a moment to say what I am truly thankful this year. Yes, cheesy. OK, a bit corny. But all in all, a nice thing I want to do. Mostly to remind myself that life is good – and that despite some nastiness 2010 has brought, I am surrounded by good things.  So, I’m gonna get cheesy on your ass and say I am thankful for:

• My friends putting up with my crap – though this year, I was primarily drama-free (yay, me!)
• Finally finding a great job that I love going to *most* mornings
• My Ridge-it for learning to snuggle more in the mornings (although I really wish he'd learn to do it quietly!)
• Heading up North to reconnect with my brother 
• Living in a state where I can enjoy the outdoors all the time
• Spending time with my boyfriend's teenage children and surviving!
• Slowly Very slowly working my way out of debt
• (Re)discovering myself
• You, my bloggy friends
• The ability to quit Facebook when needed
• A life interesting enought that gives me enough fodder to entertain you on this blog
• Connecting with new and old friends who are there for me, no matter what

And last, but not least, dating TG and even with his crappy ex he has been wonderful! 

So on that note, peace out. Have a wonderful Turkey Day – even if you don’t celebrate, drink a lot of wine, eat a lot of food, and if possible watch football. I know I will.  Talk with you soon.

Hang Tight... If you're hanging at all!

I'd love to be coy and wonder out loud if there's anyone even reading this anymore, but I'm not too good at faking that kind of thing. My stat tracker shows me plain as day you're all out there still, reading regularly (or reading, period), though what or why, I'm not sure, since I'm basically an absent blogger these days. But, you're there, and I know it, so why pretend?

I've got this angsty, confessional post coming up that goes into a lot of detail about my thoughts lately, but since it's not yet finished and I'm feeling the need to write, that'll have to wait a little more so I can whine a bit about how freaking stressed I've been for weeks now.

It's the usual - work, boyfriend and life, all of which are slamming me with projects (work), frustration (boyfriend) and lack of fun (life in general). It's not so much that blogging is overwhelming, but rather, time consuming. I get home and the last thing I want to do is be on the computer. I think I'm about ready to accept that there won't be any real down, quiet time that would allow me the energy and presence of mind to write for a good while, because just when I think, oh, in two weeks XXX and XXX will be over and done with and then I can get back to some of the things I want to do, something new comes up and there goes that. I'm back to exhausted and being short on time.

The thing is, beyond the exhaustion and myriad time-consuming responsibilities and the pretty busy schedule I maintain, I really feel a bit over-saturated with technology and just don't want to deal with it when I do have down time. By the time I'm home from work, I'm sick of the computer. I don't get full use of my Droid because while I love how handy it is, I've come to view these *smart* phones are real hindrances to having real, enjoyable engagement with real, live human beings (more on that on another day, as I've got a lot of phone rage I'd love to vent about, especially when it interferes in my quality time with TG).

There's some other stuff, some other reasons why it's felt like a real challenge to write here for some time. You'll have to wait for the angsty post for that. Today, it's just a small peek into what's been going on lately, and an effort (small, to be sure) on my end to stay in touch. I struggle a lot with the notion of feeling obligated to an audience, of *having to* write for anyone but myself, and especially with addressing said audience. But at the same time, isn't that what a blogger wants for her blog, readers? So how can I then ignore you or pretend you're not there, when I know you are, and I love you for it?

Sheesh, even that made my brain hurt. This exhaustion is exhausting. Please light a candle that I survive the next couple of weeks, because seriously, I do have a lot on my mind.

Over and out for now.

Becoming Me...

I seem to have this idea in my head that I'm ready for a relationship and then I have this feeling of anxiety that seems to say I can’t have a relationship because I’m not ready to really settle down (and I know I won’t be for a while). I think I’ve forgotten that in between dating and marriage lies this popular trend called “having a boyfriend”; which I know how lucky I am that Tough Guy is such a wonderful boyfriend. I suppose it has something to do with my age. I’m not in high school anymore, and most of my friends are already married or in serious relationships where the natural progression is leading to marriage. It’s planted this little voice in my head that’s telling me if I have a boyfriend I’m going to have to get married and if I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready to give up my independence so should I avoid it all together? 

When Tough Guy & I are out with friends, or even the general public; people "assume" we're either married or headed that way. Isn't this thinking presumptuous on their parts? I asked his thoughts recently about this and he agreed that yes it was presumptuous, but that he chose to ignore it. For whatever reason I can't ignore it as easily. When this happens it's a two-part feeling for me; on one hand I'm thrilled that people see how deeply we care for one another BUT on the other hand it gives me heart palpitations and gives me an instant feeling of anxiety. I think the anxiety is due to me wondering how he feels about it when others bring it up, in addition to my own sense of not being ready.

Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t feel as though I want marriage right now, as I feel it could distract me from other goals and priorities I have for my life (goals that are going to take time), but if that wasn’t the case, well… If that wasn’t the case then I suppose I wouldn’t be so adamant about not getting married for several years…

Crap.

Maybe I just don’t have a clue. Maybe I need to remember that I do have priorities while at the same time being open to the fact that I am with the right right man and he adds to my life and doesn't distract but encourages me for said goals and priorities.

So maybe that’s it then… Maintain my "having a boyfriend" status while being open to the possibility that marriage may not the inevitable conclusion to our relationship but that it could be and if so it will get here in its own time. Trouble is to not lead it in that direction before being ready...

When you think about it though, and this is the part that always trips me up, all relationships are eventually going to either end, or become more serious… and to have a boyfriend just so you can eventually break up and have your heart-broken seems pointless, right? And the other outcome is exactly the pressures I’m trying to avoid at this stage in my life. Do you see my conundrum, here?

Seriously! Why is it so complicated when all I really want is for it to be simple? Can’t a thirty-something woman just enjoy the comforts of a relationship without the pressures of long-term committment? Is it possible? Perhaps I'm learning to enjoy the ride...

Am I Serving Myself Well?

Every action we take serves us in some way: everything we say yes, no or maybe to serves something in us – be it something we want or something we fear.

It’s important to understand people won’t change behaviors that cause pain unless they recognize what the current behavior serves and what change would serve. Avoidance of pain is rarely a reason to change a behavior. (Though this is not logical, it’s true. People are more comfortable with pain they know over pain they don’t; and all change brings pain in some form.)

I find this a useful tool in all my dealings. And when I find myself engaging in behavior that doesn’t ring true with my true self, I have to really stop and ask, “how does this serve?”

2009 was a really rough year for me, on every level. (Something I’m sure many of you can identify with.) Financially, and personally, I felt challenged, pushed and prodded in a million different directions and rarely did they feel good. 2009 was a year of change and it was painful in the process.

During the latter weeks of 2009, I spent a lot of time thinking and sorting through how many of my actions were serving me. It’s not a pleasant time to be with yourself and a pile of questionable choices. At times it was like a prison, and I was in solitary confinement – by choice.

I spent a lot of time being brutally honest with myself. (Actions can serve both good and bad impulses inside us. It’s important to recognize which are in play and decide on change to move things towards the positive.)

I recognized that there was a fair amount of drama in my personal life (a problem I knew how to prevent and didn’t). I recognized too what that was serving and, let’s just say, it wasn’t a good thing. I came to terms with the fact that some painful things that had happened during the year could have been avoided if I’d been willing to stick to my guns and own my own happiness. And that rather then accepting that, when things came painfully, wickedly and horrendously crashing down, I responded by serving the pain – rather then the true happiness I should have served in the first place.

I did things that, in retrospect, I regret. I failed myself and others, personally and professionally, and I feel pretty awful about it. I hurt some people, disappointed a couple others, and managed to mislead some folks about what I really wanted. I didn’t live up to my own expectations for myself, let alone anyone else’s.

I need to work pretty hard to rectify this. Some things will be dealt with by owning up to my mistakes, other’s by making amends, and some can only be dealt with in time and showing that my behaviors have changed.

I feel better already.

I am being true to myself and my long term dreams and the relationships I cherish the most. I’ve chosen to take the pain I feel over my mistakes, the regrets I’m going to have to live with, and use them to serve me in a new way – to prevent such mistakes in the future by making better choices going forward.

By examining my choices I am more likely to keep in line with my real desires, and be less distracted by short term impulses or short lived gratification. More often my answer is “by moving you toward your goals” or “respecting your own needs and health” in place of the old negative answers.

How do your actions serve you? Are you being true to yourself and the positive things you want in life or are you feeding negative feelings, impulses and old hurts? Are you brave enought to ask yourself about your work, your relationships, your new years resolutions, “how does this serve me?” and dare to be honest with yourself?