Friday, December 18, 2009

Tis the holiday season...

I have never been this stressed at the holidays before. But then I can't remember the last time I was single during the holidays. Do you think that has something to do with it???

Last night Tough Guy spent the night and was sooo sweet; even though I was really irritating most of the night, and he didn't do anything to deserve it. He was very patient with me and said all the right things; which further irritated me more. It drives me crazy when people say, "it's okay" when I'm in a bad mood because what I want is to have my feelings validated. I know he's a man and it's their nature to want to fix it.

Let me explain why I have been really bitchy lately. My ex, who is like Dr. Jekyll at this point came to my home over Thanksgiving weekend and deposited most everything I own in my condo. I gave him a key cause I thought we were on friendly terms where I could trust him. We had an agreement that I would get all of the things out of the house by the end of the year; this way he could continue to use things until then since he owns so little. INSTEAD he brings everything and dumps it in my place. I barely could open the door! And the shitter kicker on top of that is he chose to keep things of mine; not things he owned, not things he owned prior to us being married but things I owned long before I knew him. He kept an italian leather loveseat and chair and I am still discovering things that he STOLE from me. I am still living in chaos because everything I own will not fit in my condo; it's driving me crazy. I am affected by my external surroundings so when my space is chaotic it feels as if it carries over in to my life. I am slowly working on it and hopefully this weekend I won't have a washer sitting in my kitchen blocking my dishwasher!

So this chaos added to the stress I am feeling over the holidays has made me very bitchy unfriendly to be around. But Tough Guy has been extremely patient and he has wanted to talk about my stress. Now what man wants to do that? Isn't it typical behavior that men want to run and hide when we're in raging bitch mode? He says that I really haven't been that bad; but I feel like I have been a bitch on speed.

We talked a lot last night and I feel much better this morning and I just wanted to stay home cuddled up with him, especially since it's suppose to be sleeting/snowing all day today.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Today is a day of confusion...

So I've been officially single for a while now; but emotionally I've been single for a long time. Well I've met someone. I met him in October. There is no other word to describe him other than I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. He scares the shit out of me. I believe I have mentioned I am on the path of self discovery, right? On that path I have been attending church; and he attends the same church. Now I want you to know he is not a hypocritical Christian; he is strong, he has faith in God, he is a GOOD man. He loves in a capacity I have never experienced; he shakes me to the core. He makes my knees weak and he makes me question my faith, my belief system; and he helps me to grow.

Now with all of this being said he has his baggage too. He is coming from a 17 year marriage, one where he was primarily unhappy for the majority of it, one where he thought he was marrying someone else and then she changed. We've all been there at some point in our lives, haven't we? His baggage is particularly scary because he tells me he is falling in love with me. There are several issues with that:
  1. How can he fall in love with ME? Remember I told you how amazing he is. Well, what can he possibly see in me that makes him step back and say; "this is her".
  2. He is afraid terrified that I'll not be the woman he fell in love with if he lets himself go. 
What can I say to this? Yes, I will continue to be the same person. So easy to say... I'm a genuine person and not likely to change, but won't I change some? Isn't this life? I hope to become a better person, but there are moments when I'll slip and not be.

Today I asked him for "space", I hate that word! We all know what a negative connotation it is, and what it typically means to relationships. The thing is, I don't really want space; I just want answers!!! He is scared what this means; I am scared it'll provide him an opportunity to back away, and there are those out there who will say "if that happens it wasn't meant to be." But I don't believe this. I have never felt before that God led me to someone, I do know this with him; I've prayed about it. And I also know that even if God leads us in a certain direction he gives us the will to make choices and as an imperfect human I can make the wrong choice. The mere fact that I have prayed about it and asked for guidance is HUGE for me. Even in my lowest times in life I don't think I asked for guidance. I prayed for help; help through the issue and then promptly forgot once it was resolved, but this time I want guidance to overcome my fears and to know I am on the path that God has chosen for me.